Beyond Mars and Venus: Tips That Truly Bring Men and Women Together – John Gray – #414

Why you should listen –

John Gray, author of the best-selling, most well-known relationship book ever, “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus”, sits down with Dave LIVE to discuss the down-and-dirty differences between men and women, and how it’s all about the hormones. His Mars/Venus book series has forever changed the way men and women view their relationships, and in his new book, “Beyond Mars and Venus”, he shares some brilliant new insights and ideas. And what about sex? Don’t worry…Dave and John cover that, too!

Enjoy the show!

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Recorded intro:                   Bulletproof radio. A state of high performance.

Dave Asprey:                          Are you ready? Okay.

Large audience:                   [audience responds Yes.]

Dave Asprey:                          You’re listening to Bulletproof Radio with Dave Asprey.

Large audience:                   [audience cheering]

Dave Asprey:                          Today’s cool fact of the day is that a smile can be infectious but did you know that the sweat you make while you are smiling is also infectious? Turns out that you make something called chemo signals when you experience positive or negative emotions and they come out in your sweat. That means that people around you know if you’re unhappy because you smell unhappy.

Large audience:                   [audience laughing]

Dave Asprey:                          True story. They can also feel it as well. But the chemical signaling behind behavioral synchronization is part of how it’s synchronized but it’s not the only part. Kind of a cool fact, right?

John Gray:                              Yes.

Dave Asprey:                          I was wondering what that was.

John Gray:                              A wave of joy.

Dave Asprey:                          Nice. Now if you’re listening in your car right now, you’re going, what the heck is going on here? This is a live episode with a live studio audience in the great city of San Francisco, as part of the ‘Head Strong’ book tour.

Large audience:                   [audience cheering]

Dave Asprey:                          Normally now, I would insert a product plug to talk about something cool and new that Bulletproof is doing, however, while there’s so many cool and new things we’re doing, I can either do that later or not. And you guys have already heard a lot of stuff. You can actually touch and feel and try all of it, so I’m gonna skip that for you and we’re gonna go straight into the interview with today’s guest, who is John Gray.

John is the author of ‘Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus’ and just came out with a new book called, ‘Beyond Mars and Venus: Relationship Skills for Today’s Complex World’. And John, you’re a famous guy. You’re one of the leaders in personal development. You’re known for being a relationship guy, but having become friends with you, you’re a super biohacker.

You talk about hormones, heat shock proteins, and all sorts of stuff that you maybe don’t put in your books, even in the level of detail that you understand it. You make it really accessible. I would just say for listeners, you really want to read ‘Beyond Mars and Venus’ because it’s about biohacking as much as any book I’ve ever written is about biohacking, not just about relationships, because there’s a way to hack the biochemistry of your relationships. John is the most knowledgeable guy I know. Welcome back to the show, John.

John Gray:                              Thank you so much. Yeah. Thank you all. Thank you all.

Large audience:                   [audience clapping and cheering]

Dave Asprey:                          So, let’s get right into this interview. I really think people today are looking for maybe more out of their relationships than they have historically. You read these 100 year old books, these 200 year old books, it seems like things were a little bit more regimented. People had maybe more of a life outside the relationship, and now, maybe because people keep moving around and we have all sorts of pressures in our lives, people are looking for more emotional fulfillment from their relationships and that’s why you wrote your new book.

What problems are being caused by people looking to their relationship for that?

John Gray:                              Okay. So that’s, the idea there is, you hear it a lot. I’m looking for a soulmate. I certainly am married to my soulmate for 32 years. Then the big question is, what is a soulmate? I’ve been pondering this for quite a while and my definition of it, it’s not so esoteric, but it’s really quite practical, which is a soulmate is someone who has the ability and the skill, which takes time to develop, to support you in being your authentic self. Our authentic self is a balance of masculine and feminine qualities.

Historically, we had role mate relationships. Most of our parents, our grandparents, who … Men had a role. A man did that role. A woman was happy with them. There wasn’t conflict. Basically, and I saw it in my own family. My dad was a good provider. He came home and watched TV. My mother had no complaints.

Three requirements women used to have: man was a good provider, a man didn’t get angry, and a man … What was the third one? I forget.

Dave Asprey:                          Drank a lot.

John Gray:                              No. He had good manners. He had good manners. You know you were taught good manners, as good as it can get. My wife’s still trying to improve mine and I chuckle. Spend the rest of your life, dear. It’s okay. I know you love me just the way I am.

That’s part of my whole message, which is teaching couples how to adjust their expectations to reality and through accepting reality the way it is, you pull out more in your partner and you’re able to sustain love. But whenever we’re complaining to our partners, or wanting them to be different, we think that’s gonna work. It just doesn’t work.

So in answer to the first question, since we’re having an interview. I forgot.

Dave Asprey:                          You know, it’ll be a conversation. They also end up like that.

John Gray:                              We do have a conversation. To answer the question, we are expecting more today, and why would be expecting more? This is the bottom line of this whole new book.

As women have shifted roles, to no longer being limited to this stereotypical, limited role that women played for thousands of years. Suddenly women are doing everything. When women are police women, when women are surgeons, when women are lawyers. When women are working for money, instead of for the people they love, what happens is the hormone testosterone gets produced and the hormone estrogen goes down, and estrogen is the hormone of love.

This is why when a man falls in love, his testosterone goes down and his estrogen goes up. When he gets married, it goes down even further. When he has children, it goes down even further. When he has grandchildren, it goes does even further. So here I am at 50 with grandchildren, suddenly, whoa, what happened to my testosterone? So I had to figure out how to pump it up. Relationship skills can do it. Supplements can do it. Fasting and cleansing can do it. All the new things in your new book, as well, are talking about that. It’s how do we naturally pump up our hormones. Not only that, but find balance. What I found, besides supplements, besides cleansing, are relationship skills had a huge impact. So let me do just one example of that.

When he introduced me and all of you cheered for me, my testosterone levels doubled. They did. They’ll eventually go back down when I sleep.

Dave Asprey:                          I can smell it.

John Gray:                              Yeah. That’s right. The way the woman responds to a man will affect testosterone more than anything. The way a man responds to a woman will affect her estrogen levels more than anything. The way a woman responds to playing cards with other women will affect her hormones in a different way than a man does. We have to understand that different behaviors have now been proven to affect different hormones in the body.

One simple little takeaway, right at the beginning, it’ll have more meaning when I’m done probably. We have all kinds of new little rituals in my house. Whenever I come home from a trip, my wife is always happy to see me. Why? Because I’m alive. Did you know that for thousands of years, men did dangerous jobs, and when men came home, women were always relieved and happy that he’s still alive. This is a bottom line need that men have. Why is that we’re best friends … Why is a man’s best friend a dog? Dogs are always happy to see you. Always happy to see you, no matter what you’ve done or haven’t done or should do or didn’t do. And, that dog’s just happy to see you for less than a minute and goes back to sleep. That’s all you need to pump a man’s testosterone up.

So he knows, when he comes home, not the only thing, but he’ll always face a happy woman. But she needs something when I get home as well.

Dave Asprey:                          Jewelry.

John Gray:                              Well, we’ll get to that. That’s always nice in the beginning. Actually, women kind of play hide and seek when you get home sometimes. They hide. They go somewhere and say, does he even care about me anymore? Is he excited to see me? Does he want me anymore?

So my wife’s always somewhere other than the front room. So my job is, to first thing, run to find here. My job is trained to tell me, where’s the mom? Where’s the mom? She barks and barks, but I don’t pet the dog until I give my wife a big hug. It’s a little thing, but it’s a sweet ritual.

Men need that and women need that. It’s those little reassurances, and as we’ll explore in this interview, this whole book is about the little things that can make a huge difference to stimulate the right hormones, at the right time of the month, and the right way, so everybody’s getting along, and feeling a connection, which takes us to a higher level of ecstasy, which is in your question, people want more today. But to get more, you have to learn new skills.

If we have a new software, you want a different result, you gotta do something different. Yet, we haven’t learned new relationship skills, based upon biological differences that are reality. For every man needs 20 to 50 times more testosterone than a woman. Otherwise, they have a heart attack. He’ll be moody. He’ll be irritable. He’ll be violent. All these types of things if men’s testosterone levels go too low.

For women, their estrogen levels, their progesterone levels, their oxytocin levels, all these different hormones play a huge role in her well-being, as well as, testosterone. But for men, testosterone is 30 times more important. For women, 20 times more important.

Dave Asprey:                          That’s a pretty big answer.

John Gray:                              For women, estrogen is 20 times more important than men.

Dave Asprey:                          Okay. I heard get a dog.

Large audience:                   [audience laughing]

John Gray:                              Well, that’s a good takeaway. Having a dog is not just good for a guy. It’s also good for a woman, ’cause you get a nice cuddly dog, it immediately produces oxytocin. My dog is the massive oxytocin producer. Wherever we go, because this dog is so well loved, women just flock to our dog. Oh he’s so cute, he’s so sweet. Our dog hugs you. At the ranch, he’ll hump you, but not at other places. She, she.

Dave Asprey:                          All right. I’m gonna ask for some relationship advice here. I come home, because I gotta take the last connecting flight to the island where I live, which is worth it, but it’s usually after ten and my wife is like, goes to sleep before 2am. I don’t understand that, but she does. I come home. She’s asleep. Do I wake her up?

John Gray:                              No.

Dave Asprey:                          Damn.

John Gray:                              She needs her sleep.

Dave Asprey:                          See, now I’ve this conflict.

John Gray:                              Why?

Dave Asprey:                          Well, if I’m supposed to come home, and I’m so happy to see you, but she’s asleep …

John Gray:                              She’s asleep. When she wakes up, that’s when you’ll know that she’s happy to see you.

Dave Asprey:                          But I’ll be asleep when she wakes up. See, that’s the problem.

John Gray:                              Well, you’re a smart guy. So what’s the answer to that?

Large audience:                   [audience laughing]

Dave Asprey:                          I give her some extra Sleep Mode before she goes to sleep so she’ll sleep in?

John Gray:                              No. Women, you have to always, you have to prioritize the woman. You’re traveling, doing whatever you want to do, okay.

Dave Asprey:                          Yep.

John Gray:                              If you have a woman who feels special, like you’ll sacrifice your needs, at times, for her, that’s what makes somebody special.

Dave Asprey:                          Mm-hmm (affirmative).

John Gray:                              When people do extra things for you. What hormone gets produced when you feel special? Estrogen. You know, like, if somebody says, walks, let me carry that box for you. Let me carry that suitcase for you. Let me drive you here.

See, when I travel, I start getting … That’s why my testosterone went so down. I was traveling all the time, superstar, rockstar. Everybody treats me like a celebrity. So this is why male celebrities go crazy. They’re drug addicts. They’re in and out of rehab and all that stuff, because their estrogen goes too high because people are doing things for them. Your testosterone goes up when you’re doing stuff. When you’re actually sacrificing what you want for others, that’s the most noble thing a man can do, as long as you get paid for it. Sacrificing for others and you don’t get paid for it, you don’t get testosterone. But payment doesn’t just have to be money. Payment is you made a difference in somebody’s life. That’s what it’s about for men.

Depressed men, have no meaning in their life. The meaning comes from feeling I make a difference in people’s lives and the biggest evidence that I make a difference is a woman who loves you, who also orgasms. That’s it. Literally. Women can’t orgasm unless their estrogen levels go 20 times higher. That’s when they’re most orgasmic. A man’s body knows that. Biologically, we know if she climaxes with us, then our testosterone levels shoot up and stay up for six days.

We have research on this now showing that men’s testosterone levels cycle. Like women have hormonal cycles, men have testosterone cycles.

Okay. I’m waiting for somebody to say, what are those cycles?

Dave Asprey:                          Oh. I figured you were gonna tell us, but … So, all right. I definitely know that there are cycles. I know that these are all in your book. I also know that they’re based, in some part, on what the woman’s cycles do. It’s not like they’re cycling independent of the relationship you’re in, right?

John Gray:                              Yeah, we have cycles regardless of whether in a relationship. A relationship in harmony with those cycles, can then bring us closer together at the right times. So there was a book you were recommending about the power of when, that could also be a subtitle of mine.

Dave Asprey:                          Right. I have that same thought actually.

John Gray:                              It’s really …

Dave Asprey:                          The ‘Power of When’ is Michael Breus’ book. He’s been a guest on the show and he writes about when you should sleep and essentially biorhythms and how they vary. And you’re talking about the power of when for gettin’ some.

John Gray:                              Yeah. Since you didn’t answer that question on when you should get some, it should be basically, on your calendar, you put, this is the day I’m gonna get some. Now men are so freaked about this. It should just be spontaneous. I’m married 32 years. You have children. You have responsibilities. You have a house. You have floods. You have week … You got sicknesses. All kinds of stuff coming up. To limit your sex just to when you feel like it, really hard for women to be in the mood.

What happens is, women, their minds are really busy, busy, busy. One of the functions of estrogen, it’s speeds up blood activity in the brain. You worry a lot. When estrogen levels are up, if you’re not feeling special and loved and cared for and supported, you have a lot of worrying that goes on in your head. When the blood is in the head of a woman, it takes a long time for it to go down to that little tiny clitoris.

See men. You don’t have a little tiny one. Their blood goes down. It all goes down.

I just have to tell you one of my favorite jokes. But this is gonna be on the internet.

Dave Asprey:                          It’s okay.

Large audience:                   [audience laughing]

John Gray:                              All right. I’m gonna edit this just ’cause it’s on the internet, okay.

Dave Asprey:                          Aww.

John Gray:                              It’s such a good joke. Anyway.

Dave Asprey:                          We can bleep it if we need to.

John Gray:                              All right. Bleep it.

Dave Asprey:                          All right. I can do it.

John Gray:                              So here’s your pal. Just to understand, a lot of people are going, oh, men and women aren’t that different and everything. I get it. Women can do anything men can do. I can carry a baby. Of course I can’t breast feed it. I can’t make one. That’s kind of a big difference. But still, let’s look superficially, men and women. Everybody thinks we’re all like so much the same now.

All right. You’re in a relationship. This is a heterosexual relationship. We can talk about gay relationships too, after all, we’re in San Francisco. You have a dispute. All couples they have these little wars that go on. Usually in my marriage of 32 years, I’m the one who always comes back and apologizes. Why? Because I’m so good at finding forgiveness. My wife is not. And most women are not, unless they have really low self-esteem, ironically. Just put that in your buffers. Oh, I forgive him for anything. That’s because you’re a doormat.

Hard for women to forgive. Easier for men, if they have some of the techniques that I’m gonna teach tonight. But generally, men, even if they’re, in my case, I’m gonna teach you how to find that centered loving place again, but let’s just imagine a man doesn’t, because sometimes I couldn’t in my marriage.

So we have this cold war going on for a while. Three or four times … Now I’m gonna put it in somebody else’s relationship. If they’re having a cold war and the man is not willing to make up, but the woman is willing to make up. Okay, she has now worked through her stuff. She’s talked to somebody. She’s realizing that everybody’s not, nobody’s perfect. Your partner’s doing their best. He’s from Mars. He just doesn’t know who you are sometimes or what he needs to do. All right. And he forgets stuff.

You get back to this kind of, I love him. I see the good stuff to balance out the negative stuff. But you’re thinking, he’s still in his cave. You pull away. How do I get him back? How do I get him back? This is your secret power women, that men do not have.

He’s in his cave. You just walk into the cave naked and you say, “Look at me. I’m a woman.”

Dave Asprey:                          Yep.

John Gray:                              “Bleep me.”

Large audience:                   [audience clapping and laughing]

John Gray:                              Yeah. You should applaud for that. That’s a super power you have. That’s right.

Large audience:                   [audience clapping]

John Gray:                              He’ll hesitate for a moment, and just look at you. And all the blood will leave his head and will go down south and he’ll forget anything he was upset about.

Now just turn the tables.

Large audience:                   [audience laughing]

John Gray:                              Look at me honey. All of me. Not gonna turn her on. Let’s get realistic. There are real differences between men and women and as we’ve switched roles, understanding differences is important, but even more important is the theme of the new book, ‘Beyond Mars and Venus’, is going beyond these roles, to what’s happening today, is when women are doing jobs that stimulate testosterone and not estrogen, they need help to come back to their estrogen.

If we look at health even, we’re seeing all these women taking hormones, menopausal symptoms they’re having. Women now have more heart attacks than men. Women are having more dementia than men, almost two to one of dementia. Alzheimer’s. Women are having Alzheimer’s. This is a big shift that’s taking place for women. What it is, is the stress levels and our supplements are key. Everything I say, quite honestly, will not do it alone. You have to have the supplements to support you. But supplements alone … And you’re sitting in a lonely room with no windows and no friends, is not gonna do much, except it might motivate you to go get friends. You gotta have both sides of this whole thing. The equation is two side, like a bird flying. One wing just doesn’t do it. We need love. We need loving relationships. It doesn’t all have to be a marriage or whatever, but basic sex. Sex is the most healing thing you can do to your body.

Think about your brain. The three parts of the brain. We talk about that. The front part of the brain, which is different from monkeys. The middle part of the brain, which has the same DNA as monkeys. The back part of the brain. Some people call it dinosaur brain, you know, lizard brain. It’s just all the unconscious part of us, that’s what’s real sex.

Dave Asprey:                          Is that like presidential brain?

John Gray:                              Yes. Yes. Well said. Well said.

Dave Asprey:                          That was nonpartisan, just worth it.

John Gray:                              Yeah. Exactly. Well, you know they say, there’s books written about that, that they have such an ego to go off to become a president, but you have to deal with the amount of criticism. ‘Cause if you run for president, you have to people hate you. In this case, 60% or 80%, but whatever.

Large audience:                   [audience laughing]

John Gray:                              But you gotta stand up to that and go, I don’t care. That’s the male side of us. That’s the testosterone side of us. When testosterone is healthy, you do care, but you don’t let people knock you down.

Now, here’s the irony. Just go a little further with this. Everybody’s associated testosterone with aggression, right? You’ve heard that. Testosterone. Aggression. Wanting to drop bombs and all that stuff is all testosterone.

One of the professors at Stanford University did a lot of research on this and completely changed the whole modern understanding of testosterone. Everything good is testosterone in a man’s body. Men only behave in a wonderful way when their testosterone levels are healthy.

What happens with aggression, is when men are not taught how to solve a problem. When a man knows what to do, he has confidence. And if he’s under stress, if he feels threatened, his testosterone will rise. The natural reaction when testosterone rises is estrogen to go down. Okay. So that’s the biology of men. That’s why women, when you’re starting to talk, you feel him disconnecting, ’cause literally, he’s now thinking about what you’re saying. In order to think, he has to stop feeling temporarily. Literally, his testosterone goes up when he’s threatened, pushes his estrogen down.

But if he doesn’t know what to do and he’s threatened, aromatase gets produced. The more belly fat you have the more aromatase gets produced, and that will convert his testosterone into estrogen and that’s when he becomes angry or afraid and gets defensive. Anytime a man is angry, afraid, or defensive, in that moment, his testosterone is turning into estrogen. Of course, all of psychology is telling men, oh you should talk about your feelings at that time. Well, guess what talking about feelings does. Increases estrogen.

That’s why 90% of the people who come to therapists, like me, are women. Because if you talk about your feelings, your estrogen levels will go up, your stress levels will go down, but only if you’re a woman. If you’re a man, your stress goes up higher unless you’re talking to somebody you’re not upset with and you’re actually kind of making a joke about what you’re upset about. That’s what guys do. That’s what we secretly do. We make fun of you women. We make fun of all kinds of stuff and that we lighten it up. The attachment is a masculine quality. When you detach and make a joke of something and lighten up, your testosterone levels are coming up. When you get heavy and serious, your estrogen levels are going up and that’s when men lose control.

We have ways of coping with stress, which are actually, many of them are thousands of years old. Meditation for example. Primarily, meditation was taught in cultures where they taught meditation, only to men. It wasn’t like, oh, we’re not gonna teach women. Women said, I don’t want to do that. They said, that’s too boring. I still go to India all the time. They go, I don’t want to meditate. That’s too hard. So what do they do? They love. That’s their path. Their spiritual path is love and devotion to God and their family and their husbands. Love is the path. That’s estrogen.

Why did men, why were men taught to mediate? What meditation does, it quiets the mind. When you quiet the mind, you stop feeling your emotions. That’s the first step. You gotta stop thinking. So stop worrying about it. What do we instinctively do in marriage. We always say to our wives, things, it doesn’t work. We say stuff like, “Don’t worry about it.”

Dave Asprey:                          Yeah. That always works.

John Gray:                              I always say, “What’s the point?” The point is testosterone. Why are you making a big deal out of this? And why are we talking so much about it? You’ve already said this three times. See, she wants to talk and she’ll keep wanting to talk til she feels heard. But it doesn’t make sense for her to keep talking to him if his defenses are up. He can’t hear anything you say. Women will say that to me. He doesn’t hear anything I say. So I say, “Why tell him?”

Dave Asprey:                          I love this man.

John Gray:                              Why tell him? It just doesn’t work. See, we’re no longer monkeys. Monkeys squabble and fight all the time. Do what works. But you need to complain in order to produce estrogen. Complaining is like this phenomenon that produces estrogen, which is why … Men, a little tip. Anytime you complain, you’re a total turn off to a woman. Just get that. Complaining is a turn off to women or they start feeling like they’re your mother, and they go, “I can’t have sex with you.”

Back in the early, late 80s, I was teaching men what women wanted. I wanted them to be in touch with his feelings. So I taught all men how to, I taught them the magic phrase back then was that ‘I feel hurt’ phrase. Remember that? It’s death to a relationship. So a guy, every time he has a complaint in his head … See, what men do, is I got a complaint. Forget it. It’s not gonna work anyway. Learn to accept and you’re gonna have a happy woman. No. Now we’re gonna complain. Now we’re gonna, oh, I felt hurt when you said that. I felt hurt when you said that. All the women were like, this is great. He’s now showing me how he feels. Two weeks later, I want a divorce. This has really happened. One woman said, you know ever since you got him to start talking about his feelings, I want a divorce. I didn’t realize he had so many problems.

Another woman, these are real stories. Another woman said to me, he’s so sensitive, it’s like I have to walk on egg shells all the time. I don’t want to have to protect him from me. Which by the way, men that’s your job. Your supposed to protect her from you. And what do you protect her from? Your anger. See, that’s what we have to get. Men have forgotten that what it is to be a man is detached, cool, calm, collected. Do the right thing. Do what works. If you don’t know what works, don’t do anything. And don’t speak. That’s the most important thing. Quiet the mind. Stop talking. Don’t talk. Don’t talk. How many times do I have to tell you this? Don’t talk.

Large audience:                   [audience laughs]

Dave Asprey:                          So do you do that in combination when the woman wants to repeat herself many times?

John Gray:                              Okay. Here’s what happens. Let’s analyze that.

Dave Asprey:                          Not that this ever happens to me.

John Gray:                              Yeah. Let me just see. How many men feel, sometimes, that feel, think. How many men think sometimes, have experienced. That’s the in between one. How many men have experienced a woman repeating herself a little bit too long?

Okay. Almost all the men raised their hand except for the married men, who are not gonna say anything. And you know why? Because they’re gonna have a big talk about that later.

Large audience:                   [audience laughing]

John Gray:                              This is such a phenomenon. These are the issues that I’ve seen are the biggest issues. This particular one. I mention it in ‘Men Are From Mars’, but in ‘Men Are From Mars’, it was 25 years ago. I’ve developed some new ideas since then and my marriage has gotten so easy. It doesn’t have to be hard if you know what to do.

We have an agreement. The agreement is based upon an understanding. You can’t make two side agreements without an understanding. The understanding is I love her more than anybody. I want to be there for her more than anybody. I’m a human being. And sometimes, when she’s complaining, it makes me feel defensive. Makes me start to, pushes a button that’s not in my human brain that goes okay, she just needs to vent for a little while. No. It starts to sound like she’s saying I’m not doing a good job. And I’m a guy that would give my life. I work hard. I’m there for her. I dedicate myself to her and my family, but a button gets pushed and you get defensive.

As soon as a man is defensive, that means his testosterone’s going down. He’s losing his cool, calm and collectedness. He’s detaching from what she says. As soon as he detaches, she sort of freaks out, because women thrive on connection. Connection creates estrogen. If she’s complaining, she needs estrogen. She needs to feel connection. She needs to feel she’s not alone. She needs to feel she’s heard.

To put in to more graphic terms, men. She needs you to penetrate her. Now, that’s not the F word there. I mean penetrate. Most people don’t get, pure masculine energy is silent listening. See, when I listen to my wife, I’m penetrating her. I’m going in to her. See most people think listening is this feminine thing that women are all good at. And they’re not, by the way. They’re not. I’m listening to women now 35 years. They’ll listen to another girlfriend, like, oh yeah. Oh yeah. I know just what you’re talking about. I know just what you’re talking about. Now you owe me ten minutes. It’s a deal. They gotta go back and forth, okay.

They want to be heard. They’re the vagina. Come in to me. Hear me. See me. Do me. I’m important. Do things for me. The beautiful thing is we don’t judge that. Men don’t judge the vagina. We lick the vagina. Oh my God. What did you do to me?


Dave Asprey:                          I’ll try to remember to maybe bleep that.

John Gray:                              Oh my God. What am I doing to my career? Hey, listen. This is G rated. It is? I’ve written a book, ‘Mars and Venus in the Bedroom’. It’s all in there.

Anyway, off that. I’m known for being a sex expert, as well. I’m justifying that I just said that. Everybody knows I talk about licking vaginas and all this. I do it in a book called Beyond Mars. No. That books is ‘Mars and Venus in the Bedroom’, which by the way was number one for a year and nobody knows me for it, because ‘Men Are From Mars’ has been so influential. You can clap, you know a book on sex for that much time.

Large audience:                   [audience clapping]

John Gray:                              A year on the best seller list. I mean, that’s amazing. Okay. So back to this very important question. It’s an understanding, of penises and vaginas. Okay. I’m penetrating her. She’s the vagina. I’m listening to her. So how do you listen to a woman? Don’t speak. First law. Second, say a few little things. Easy. Men have to have a system, otherwise they don’t know what to do. If he doesn’t know what to do, she’s repeating herself. Whatever I say makes it worse and it does. Now they don’t know what to do. Their testosterone is turning into estrogen, they’re getting all bummed out. Pumped out of shape. We’re getting argumentative and whiny. She complains. She says, “Oh we never do anything fun.” What are you talking about? Last Thursday, we did this and this and this. Then she says, yeah, but you were d-d-d-duh. She goes back and forth. This is like the stupidest thing we do. We do it too men. They complain and what do we do? We complain back. And she always has more. You cannot beat her at this game. Okay.

The Greeks knew this. The Greeks knew this. They had that myth of Medusa. Medusa is the bitch, okay. She’s the dark side of women. The snakes are coming out and if you cut the snake, three snakes grow. That’s like trying to talk her out of one complaint, another one comes back, another one comes back, another one. You cannot win. Don’t try.

And women, what you have to know, when you are sharing with your partner, if anything sounds a little threatening to him, like a correction, or you’re trying to help him. See you don’t get it. I don’t need your help unless I ask for it, but you’re gonna give it anyway. That’s like poking at me. If you try to help a man or give him constructive feedback, any of that stuff is correcting him. Trying to change him.

Let’s just get this. Back to my first point. Role mate relationship is acceptance. I’m not trying to change you. Love is like this. I don’t have to change you. I love you the way that you are and if I can’t, then that’s my problem and I can learn to adjust, figure out what you need, and bring out the best in you. But we have to understand how to do that. Women cannot give love if they’re not getting a certain kind of support. They need more estrogen in their body. Men do not have the energy to give love, unless their testosterone levels are up. We need this. We can do things to stimulate that. There’s all these basic things. The most important is your question.

So, she’s going on. She’s starting to talk. Now I’m gonna detach because I’m thinking, why is she saying that? Is it really that big of a deal? What do I have to do about that? At that moment, I’m off thinking, not feeling. She feels the disconnection. Now, it’s like the record’s going along, we used to have records. We started over, okay. The record just starts over again. We’re gonna keep going down, back, back, back, back and forth.

At that moment, where I start, I can see defensiveness coming like an orgasm coming, okay. You can see things coming in the distance. All right. Here it’s coming. Remember Lidocaine. Anyway. The defensiveness is coming. I can see where this is going. Now most guys are starting to get depressed. Uh-oh. Oh no. Where this is going down and down and down.

Dave Asprey:                          That’s when you check Facebook.

John Gray:                              Okay. Let me come back to my point being, okay. She’s starting to repeat herself and you’re starting to detach more and more. At that point, the reason she wants to repeat, is because she’s disconnecting. She wants to feel connected to you. That’s what she needs to get that estrogen to go up for her stress levels to go down. For her to feel more loving, more feminine, more cooperative, more relaxed, more peaceful, more safe. Any of those qualities, estrogen levels go up. She needs this new thing.

My mother didn’t need that. My dad just came home and watched TV and they didn’t even talk that much. But they were happy til they died. It was a different world then. But also, they weren’t having the kind of sex that I have, particularly, with Lidocaine.

With this understanding, why should she keep talking if I can’t hear a word she says? That’s the mutual understanding, because what I’m gonna do is to share our code phrase. Our code phrase, when I realize that anything she’s saying is not going in and everything she says from that point on will just build up more resistance. So if you would gently, Dave, just gently, sort of punch me real slow, okay, and I’m resisting. We’ll just continue doing this dance of his punch coming and I’m pushing it back. This is for many couples, marriage. We’re trying to change each other. Change each other. So keep pushing really hard so you fall out of your chair.

Come to me baby. Yeah, I love you. Don’t, don’t … When the fight is there, it always takes two. So what you have to do as the man, you’re the protector from the fight. So you do your best. The best is when she’s talking, and I start noticing I’m getting a little defensive, that means I’m losing control, right, because I don’t want to be saying all this stuff. I want this conversation to be over. Now I’m out of control and that’s gonna cause my testosterone to start converting into estrogen. So I need to come back into control of this, kind of like riding a wild horse, okay. I gotta control it. How do you control it? Take charge of the conversation. How do you do that? She’s talking about something, I say, “Well, tell me more.” What man has ever done that in history?

This is kung fu relationship skills. She will stop resisting you instantly. Oh, tell me more. I want to know more about that. Another one is, help me understand that better. See, who is in control now? You are and women are thrilled to go, oh, I’ll help you understand better. I’ve got so many more words in my purse, okay. I’ll just take it on out there.

Then as she’s going along, then when it seems like she has nothing else to say, you’re kind of feeling like, okay, this might be over. No. You’re superman. You say to her at that point, what else? Three magic phrases to save your marriage, live a happy life like I have.

So what are they? Tell me more. Help me understand that better. What else? You can repeat them over and over and as long as I’m in control, I’m like this is foreplay for great sex and just keep remembering that. She cannot climax without 20 times more estrogen than you. That means you gotta lower your estrogen and she’s gotta raise her. Communication and talking is one of the most powerful estrogen stimulators for both men and women. But men, do we need more estrogen? No. So stop talking, ask questions. Ask questions.

Now that we have that understanding, then we have a code phrase that works. And the code phrase that works, is she’s basically talking. We’re talking about anything. It could be bank accounts, where we’re gonna move money. It can be buying something. It could be our children, how we’re gonna do this, where we’re gonna go on vacation. Women, whenever they’re talking, it just sort of comes out. They’re gonna take that moment to tell you everything they feel is wrong about you, at that moment. It just sort of pops out of nowhere. It’s in there. It will just come out.

So the whole conversation’s like getting argumentative, that’s when I’ll say, well help me understand that better. What else or tell me more. A few of those. That’s my contribution to try to calm things down without saying, “Calm down.” Never tell a woman, “Calm down.” Okay. Never tell a woman, “Calm down.” Never tell a woman, “Don’t worry about it.” Never tell a woman, “I’ll handle it.” We’ll handle this together. That’s the taking charge phrase. Oh, I got a clap on that. Let’s go for that one.

Large audience:                   [audience clapping]

John Gray:                              We’ll handle this together. See, that’s a soulmate relationship. The role mate relationship is, I’ll handle this, honey. Don’t rustle your pretty little face, or whatever it is. Women are powerful. They’re strong. They’re amazing. And, they also need us men. The most important thing they need about us … They used to need as the provider. Now they can provide for themselves. If you don’t need someone, your estrogen levels go down. So women have lost touch with what do I need a man for. It’s like I don’t want another kid around the house. So what do you need him for? These new things. A good listener. Someone who can be there for you. We’ll talk about romantic skills. And of course, the big bang. That’s also what they need and they do need it. They may not know it. They may have never had it because they don’t know it. Or they never had the right stimulation.

But this is all part of marriage. Why do we get married today? Do we marry somebody that we’re asexual with? No. And yet half of marriages are asexual after a few years. What happened? So many people today, twice as many people today are single. Why? Because you lose that attraction. This is how you keep the attraction. The polarity is there when a man’s testosterone is 20 to 30 times higher than a woman’s. And a woman’s estrogen is 10-20 times higher than men. That’s putting the two opposites, or complimentary opposites together.

And whether you’re gay or not, heterosexual, gay. If you’re a man, you still need for health, healthy testosterone. For women, you need this estrogen. These skills are so critical to sort of understand our bodies and not buy in to this illusion that we’re all just the same. We shouldn’t even look at gender differences and whatever. Nonsense. Nonsense. Nonsense.

Here’s the code phrase that we have. This was the build big up, like my foreplay, so you get to this, what do we do? This will make any relationship, once you have the understanding and the agreement on this code phrase … Whenever she’s talking and I’m sort of getting close to my defensiveness, I just end the conversation. What do I do? “I hear you.” And she knows at that point, anything she says after that point, I can’t hear.

Large audience:                   [audience laughing]

Dave Asprey:                          So this stops the endless repeating of the same thing.

John Gray:                              That’s the long answer to a short question.

Dave Asprey:                          Wow.

John Gray:                              But it’s complicated relationships. They are complicated.

Dave Asprey:                          I hear you.

John Gray:                              What? I didn’t hear it.

Dave Asprey:                          I said, “I hear you.”

John Gray:                              Got it. Got it. Okay. Now, there’s also the short part of this. My wife, she knows I don’t like complaining, okay. But women just sometimes complain. They’re always trying to improve you. She loves to do this. Even to this day, she’ll say, “You left the light on in the living room.” And I’m supposed to feel bad, right? But I don’t. I don’t. I could care less. But I’m supposed to feel bad. I can’t change that. If I hurt her, oh my God, I’d feel terrible. I’m not some social path because I don’t feel bad about leaving the light on or my shoes in the den. Sometimes I take my shoes off watching late news or something like that and I leave them. Next day she says, “You left your shoes in the den. Do you want me to put them in the closet?” I go, “I’ll take them.”

But another one, when I’m not gonna say … She’ll call from across the house, “You left your shoes here.” So what do I say? “I hear you.” It’s perfect. It’s true. What do women need most? To be heard. But, if they don’t understand men, what they’re expecting is for him to feel sorry.

See, for many years, I’d just would say, she’d say these things, I’d go, “Oh, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I left the light on.” I’m not sorry. So it’s like faking. So now I’m faking all the time and makes me feel awful. Eventually my solution to that was, I’ve already given you three I’m sorry’s today, that’s my quota. It just beats somebody down. Nobody should be saying they’re sorry all the time.

Dave Asprey:                          Except Canadians.

John Gray:                              Is what?

Dave Asprey:                          Except Canadians.

John Gray:                              All right. Thank you for setting me up for my new joke. I was just in Canada where I had a big talk and I open it up with my one Canadian joke. I really don’t tell other people’s jokes, but this is somebody else’s joke. Why does the Canadian chicken cross the road? To get to the middle. I don’t know why nobody else finds that funny, but I do. They’re always taking both sides on everything.

For example, the laws of prostitution in Canada. They passed a law saying it was legal, then they passed a law saying it was illegal. So both laws are there. It was kind of very weird, which by the way, I think that prostitution should be legalized. I’m very happy in my marriage, but I see a lot of … The sex trade is awful, so the prostitutes they can’t complain. They can’t go to the police. They can’t protect themselves. They can’t defend themselves. The truth is, there’s a lot of horny guys that would really benefit from that, having prostitutes around. It was all legal. They had to have licenses and so forth. In Holland, it’s in your healthcare practice. Your healthcare will cover prostitution for you. If you don’t have a partner and you’re disabled in some way. What are we supposed to do? Just because we’re alone, we’re supposed to give up this very powerful, sexual thing.

As I look down the back part of our brain, as I mentioned earlier. The reptilian part of the brain regulates sexual attraction and desire. This is also the part of the brain that regulates mitochondria regeneration.

Dave Asprey:                          Yep.

John Gray:                              So you want mitochondria regeneration, which is the theme of your new book. It’s also energy. Your last book was mitochondria written.

Dave Asprey:                          This is the one that just came out. ‘Head Strong’.

John Gray:                              Yeah. Right.

Dave Asprey:                          But it was not that head.

John Gray:                              Okay. That’s right. That’s right. Well, we have two.

Dave Asprey:                          I thought that was gonna get a bigger laugh. Come on guys.

John Gray:                              Give a big …

Large audience:                   [audience claps]

John Gray:                              Head strong. Anyway, okay, next conversational piece here.

Dave Asprey:                          Oh wow.

John Gray:                              I have to apologize. When I have an audience, what can I say?

Dave Asprey:                          This is great. I’m having a good time. We have like a minute left. I gotta …

John Gray:                              Let me, and if I have a minute, let me give my most important takeaway from this new book.

Dave Asprey:                          Do the takeaway and then I’m gonna ask you a final question. If we go a couple minutes over, it doesn’t matter. All right. Say what you gotta say.

John Gray:                              I just want to say, we really have a crisis when it comes to relationships. People aren’t making that commitment. They’re losing their attraction. We want to sustain the attraction. Being able to have good communication. When men learn how to listen to women and women learn how to let men go into another room, once they can’t hear you.

I was just doing another seminar of all men, and the guys were saying, you know, we don’t have that agreement. What do I do? One thing you can say is, I have to go pee. And he says, yeah. And then my wife follows me into the bathroom and just keeps talking and talking. Another guy, so many of the guys this is the theme, where women just keep talking and they trick us back into the conversation with questions. You don’t love me anymore, do you? Why did you do this? All this stuff. When men are stressed, don’t get them to talk. Don’t ever ask them questions. Let them know, if you’re feeling defensive, and you need an escape, use the phrase I hear you.

Then, what I didn’t finish about that is, then I take time to do something to pump my testosterone up again. That’s why we have to understand “manly things” and feminine things. So what would it be for me? I could meditate, quiet my mind. Not all men know how to do that. I can go drive my car and listen to rock music. I can go to an action movie. I can go jogging. I can lift weights. I can do pushups. All those things challenge my body, my muscles. That will start pumping my testosterone up until I feel good. And during that time, if I’m starting to think about what she said, no, don’t. You have the ability to distract yourself. We’re great at that. Just keep saying to yourself, don’t think about what just happened. Don’t think about what happened.

Then you build your testosterone up, then once your testosterone comes up, your estrogen goes down, then your stress level goes down. When stress level goes down, blood flow starts going back to the front part of the brain. You cannot be empathetic when you’re angry. Empathy and anger do not coexist together. And a woman will never feel heard and supported if you’re angry.

If you’re angry, don’t talk. I get angry sometimes. If I’m angry, just don’t talk to her at that time. I hear you. Take your time. Rebuild your testosterone and come back and demonstrate more love than before. Give more. That’s the way you get more is give more. All understanding the ways that women can give to men, men can give to women, in this new world that we’re in, can save marriages. Can start creating happy homes, with happy children growing up. 52% of children are growing up without a mother and father at home. We’ve seen the results of this. It’s not the ideal. World peace begins at home. As we’ve talked today, world peace begins at home in the bedroom. It’s where it all starts.

Let’s really dedicate ourselves to love and to learning a new way to give our partners the love they deserve and to get the love that we deserve.

Dave Asprey:                          Love it.

Large audience:                   [audience clapping]

Dave Asprey:                          The last time you were on Bulletproof radio, I asked you the question that I’ve asked all the guests, which was, if someone came to you tomorrow, and said, I want to perform better at everything I do, what are the three most important things, piece of advice you’d have to offer me? I want to modify the question a little bit and say, perform better in bed. What are the three most important things you’d have to offer me?

John Gray:                              I’d love to answer that question. Okay. First thing is you need to test your testosterone. If you’re … It’s gonna be for what women can do, what men can do.

Dave Asprey:                          Okay. That’s cool. You get six answers.

John Gray:                              Okay. We’ll start with men. So the first one with men is test your testosterone. Does that mean go and have it tested by somebody else? No. Check your dick every morning. It should be standing straight up. If it’s not standing up every morning, your testosterone’s too low. It’s not like I’m saying you should masturbate, you should have sex every day. What I’m saying is that you need to be able to have sex every day. If you’re not standing fully at attention, not this half-mast thing, okay. straight up. I’m 18 years old. That’s what it’s about. That’s your test. If you don’t have that, you’re aging and you’re not gonna have the juice that your partner’s gonna need.

It’s like kung fu relationship, is women need to feel that sometimes they can be upset at you and they can do things, and you’re like kung fu guy. If you ever watch kung fu movies, you’ll see they’ll be doing all their blocks to the blows and then I’m looking at their opponent and they’re kind of looking away like this. They know every move. You have to find your confidence and know what to do. What’s the biggest thing? If you’re angry, don’t talk. Take your time away. Rebuild your testosterone. How do you know your testosterone is low? You’re getting angry all the time. You’re not feeling motivated. You’re not feeling energized. And your friend’s not standing straight up in the morning. So that’s the first thing.

Now you need to get motivated to pump your testosterone up. One of the key things for having healthy testosterone is lowering your estrogen. If you’ve got belly fat, start getting rid of it. Read Bulletproof book. Read my books. Go to my blogs all on getting rid of belly fat. ‘Cause belly fat constantly has a job. When you have belly fat, it keeps turning your testosterone into estrogen. So you want to get a pretty flat belly. Now, it doesn’t have to be perfectly flat when you’re 18. Part of wisdom as men grow older, naturally we’re supposed to have more estrogen. But our testosterone is supposed to be up as well. So the wisdom comes from our estrogen side. It’s compassion and empathy and understanding and openness. That naturally goes up in a man, but he should have stronger testosterone as it goes up too, because he has greater wisdom. He has greater confidence. He’s has skills, he has abilities, and so forth.

The problem is in our relationships, is we don’t have that confidence, so you’ve gotta learn the relationship skills to build your testosterone, so you know what you’re doing. If you’re a single guy, start dating women and practice this stuff. That’s the key. Practice. Good relationship skills. You want good nutritional skills. There’s some great supplements, besides Bulletproof. I love Bulletproof supplements, but maybe you have it in your ones, but …

Dave Asprey:                          You make some good stuff too. John makes supplements. It’s okay. You’re not cheating.

John Gray:                              Okay. Well, I’m on your stage. Tongkat Ali. Tongkat Ali. Who knows about that? Just let me see. Yeah. Only a few. I couldn’t even take this stuff. It’s six years. If I took that stuff, I’d have an erection all day long, okay.

Dave Asprey:                          I take it twice a day. I’m just saying.

John Gray:                              Well, he needs a little more help.

Large audience:                   [audience laughing]

Dave Asprey:                          They call me tripod.

Large audience:                   [audience laughing]

John Gray:                              Let me explain why he needs a little more help. He has more muscle mass. He’s like superman over here. I’m like, you know, I don’t. I’m John Gray. But I don’t have a lot of muscle mass and therefore my testosterone doesn’t get used up building my muscles.

This is so amazing for me. I was like this young guy, back long before the internet, and I’m studying all this stuff. That’s a long time ago. And all the muscle magazines, these are like 25 year old guys, 35 year old guys, they all want libido pills. I’m going, do I need libido pill? Just give me open legs. I’m ready to go, you know. But then I found out why. It’s because when you work out a lot, then when your body’s rebuilding its testosterone, it’s using much of it up to rebuild your muscles. So you don’t want to over train if you want to have healthy testosterone.

I had one client, he just couldn’t get it up after three times with a woman, he could not get it up. He was like superman. Anyway, I had him test his testosterone. It was zero in the morning and it was basically he was over exercising. His muscles were too big and they were using up all the testosterone to rebuild them. So anyway.

Find a guy like me and you’re really gonna have a stud. All right.

Large audience:                   [audience laughing]

Dave Asprey:                          All right.

John Gray:                              No. No. No. He just doesn’t need to overtrain. So Tongkat Ali is a really good one. Black ants. Do you do black ants?

Dave Asprey:                          I do. Sometimes. Not all the time.

John Gray:                              I put them in my shake in the morning. That’s another killer. Black ants. They’re actually black ants. They’re dead. They’re not live. But they have a good effect.

Dave Asprey:                          I like the heads. Crunchy.

John Gray:                              They are. They’re crunchy and they’re fine and they’re testosterone pumpers. But the key to it all is starting to slowly lower your belly fat and making sure you’re doing things to lower estrogen in your body. In your book, you talk all about fasting, intermittent fasting, is one of the most powerful things you can do to kick estrogen out of your body. Why does it work to rebuild your body and stimulate your mitochondria? Because it’s pumping up your testosterone if you’re a guy.

How do you improve sex life if you’re a woman? Well, we already know the answer to that. Talk more. If you talk about … See, women are being so tough today. Tough, by the way, is testosterone producing. Independent is testosterone producing. Detached is testosterone producing. All these are masculine qualities. So what I do in my new book is I go down the list of masculine qualities that stimulate testosterone. Feminine qualities that stimulate estrogen. You learn, as a woman, these are the qualities I need to balance my male qualities with. You’re creating a balance in your life. You’re anticipating when I come home to my personal life, after being a lawyer all day, and fighting a battle, that I have a personal life that stimulates estrogen. But for women, they have to understand on the calendar, when they need estrogen and when they need progesterone.

Pair bonding is something that stimulates huge estrogen in women. Pair bonding is when you depend on someone for something. I need your help and you get help. Independence is testosterone. Needing someone is estrogen. And for a woman’s cycle, from the fifth day after her period to the twelfth, to the tenth day after her period, I call it the five day love window. That’s when her estrogen levels need to double. That’s when she feels her need the most.

So five days … After she has her period, then about five days everything seems to be quite peaceful, and then suddenly on the sixth day, she goes, you know, we’re not doing anything together and I feel ignored. Sometimes I’m like invisible. You don’t care about me as much as your work. She goes on and on about everything, and you thought, what just happened? Yesterday, we were happy. And today, you’re not. I don’t understand how you could change so quickly. It’s hormonal shift. Her needs, she suddenly becomes more aware of her needs ’cause that increases her estrogen, where biologically, she could make a baby. You can’t make a baby unless your estrogen levels goes 20 times higher than a man’s. It has to double during that time.

When the period is done, what you do, you sit with your partner and you say, hey, let’s plan a date for next week at seven days. At seven or eight days. It’s all rough. These are rough numbers. And you say, let’s discuss some things. I’ve been thinking, I’d like to do this, this or this. Something special. What would you like to do? Then men, you’re supposed to go, oh, well, I’d really like to do what you’d like to do and you pick one of those three things. See, a romantic date is doing what she wants, not what you want. And for all the pussies that go it should be what I want, enjoy your life.

A romantic date is for her. They invented it. They want it. There’d be no Valentine’s Day if it wasn’t for women, okay. There would just be Super Bowl Sunday a few days before. That would be it. I told you I loved you once, why do I have to do it again. What’s a card? To a woman, it’s a reassuring gesture. For women, roses are like a symbol of romance because they die in a week. You can’t give her plastic roses, silk roses. That’s not romantic. She wants it to die in a week so you have to show her again and again and again.

Large audience:                   Ahh.

John Gray:                              Do you hear that little Ahh sound over there?

Dave Asprey:                          I would just like to point out that there are services that has them on auto ship.

John Gray:                              You can as long as she doesn’t find out, okay. You really gotta do it yourself. Women love when you put forth little effort for them. See, the whole thing. When I come home, I find her. I prioritize her. I go places, I call her. I send her texts. That makes her feel like I’m part of her life. The truth is, I’m not worried about her. She’s always, is he still alive? Is he dead? I don’t worry. That’s my thing. I don’t worry. But she thinks if I worry about her a little bit, I care about her. So I pretend to worry. But I just show my caring. It’s giving the reassurance that you have this sweet relationship.

Anyway, back to … I was going off to many other chapters of the book, but the question you asked me, I have to remind myself, is to make a great sex life. What makes a great sex life is, a few days after that period, then you sit together. You plan a date. When you plan the date, your job women, is to come up with three things you’d like to do. He’s not a mind reader. His job is then pick one, so he makes the decision. If he makes the decision, then he gets credit for it.

I take my wife to a play and she’s already given me hints of what she wants to do. I’m gonna get those Hamilton tickets, and everybody’s gonna go, wow, that was great. How’d you get those tickets? John got the tickets. John brought us. I will take credit for it. Anytime we do anything good, whether I did it or not, my wife says, that was a wonderful time. I go, “Yep. I wrote that play. It was my idea.”

Men take credit for things of success. Success increases testosterone. What’s interesting to me, I was talking with one of the founders, I’m not gonna say his name, but the founders of the Human Potential Movement. He’s 82 years old. He’s brilliant guy. I was telling him about my book. I said, “Yeah, our hormones are different.” And he goes, yeah. For example, when a man’s team wins, if he’s got a favorite football team or baseball team, or what did I see last night, basketball team, Warriors. YAY. Go Warriors. And we win, men’s testosterone levels double. They just shoot right up. Whenever a man feels successful, it goes up. When his team loses, they’re all like, uhhh. And if it’s football, they really go down and they get aggressive. Why do they go down? When testosterone goes down, estrogen goes up. When estrogen is up, that’s when men become aggressive.

But when estrogen goes down and testosterone goes up, men are like supermen. They want to serve you. Protect you. Give to you. So for women, they need the estrogen, special date. You plan the date, three or four days after her period.

Now, a week happens later, and she’s in that magic window, when her estrogen levels are gonna be twice as high. That’s when she finds you most desirable. That’s when she has the potential to have the best orgasm, at that time. And when she has the best orgasm, then your testosterone levels will double. Then what they will do, as with all men after an orgasm, they’ll tend to drop down and they’ll start to build slowly as the week goes on.

The Japanese did the research on this and they found that, if a man has sex, his testosterone levels will drop. But if he doesn’t have sex for six days, and then has sex on the seventh day, when the Lord said to rest, he said go to the bedroom. When the seventh day, his testosterone levels will double again, and then they’ll go down and on the seventh day they’ll double again. So you ask, how do I keep my testosterone up, which is what helped my wife to feel. Her high estrogen, at that time, her estrogen can double and that’s what keeps my testosterone 25% higher than when I was a young man. Is because, for me, I just follow this rhythm of sex, once a week. No masturbation. No porn. None of that. I’ve got a busy life. I’ve got grandkids. I got all this stuff. And then I have mind blowing sex on the seventh day.

You can have more sex if you want, but if you find that your testosterone levels are low, then you should practice celibacy for six days, then have sex on the seventh day.

Dave Asprey:                          Mm-hmm (affirmative).

John Gray:                              Your testosterone levels will double. Your balls will wake up and go we got a job to do and you’ll start bringing your testosterone levels up. So, that’s a technique. If I’m on a vacation, I’ll certainly have lots of sex because her estrogen levels are way up because people are cooking for her. People are cleaning for her. People are doing things for her. Everything is new and different. Everything is beautiful. That’s a great secret of great sex for women. Her estrogen levels go up. I’m having lots of sex, but then she has to remember, that after a great vacation with lots of sex, he’s gonna pull away.

That’s one of the biggest problems for couples. Is because when has all that connection with you, his estrogen levels are gonna go too high. It’s gonna push his testosterone down. How does he rebuild his testosterone? He needs to get away from you. So he’s gonna be completely consumed in something else and you’re gonna be thinking, but we reached a whole new plateau in our relationship and he loves me so much. How can he be ignoring me? It’s perfectly normal for men to get close and then to pull away. When they pull away, they’re rebuilding their testosterone. Anytime he’s detaching. Detachment rebuilds testosterone. The whole essence of Buddhism was detachment. Learn to pull away. Give up your attachment.

But then the flip side of that is compassion. ‘Cause see, when you have detachment, you don’t take things personally. Then you can truly empathize and that’s what men have to learn. We have to be the Buddha. She has to be the goddess of wisdom. And as the goddess of wisdom, she loves but she also has the wisdom of what can change and what can’t change. When it comes to what can change, how do you change it in a way that doesn’t make it worse? And that’s my new book.

Dave Asprey:                          All right. Give it up for John.

Large audience:                   [audience clapping]

John Gray:                              Thank you.

Dave Asprey:                          If you enjoyed this episode, there’s a couple things you can do. One is, you can go pick up John’s book, which is absolutely worth reading. ‘Beyond Mars and Venus’. And you can pick up a copy of ‘Head Strong’. But the number one thing you can do that both of us appreciate more than you would possibly imagine, is leave a review on Amazon. Almost no one will leave a review, compared to the number of people who read the book and we each put thousands and thousands of hours into this, and if you take about ten seconds of your life to leave a review and tell us what you think about it, it means way more than you think it does, because it helps other people decide whether it’s worth their time to read the book. So that’s the simplest thing you can do to say thanks to an author for taking thousands of hours and compressing them into four hours of read time for you.

Review John’s book and say, it’s really damn good, because it is. And you can do the same thing for mine. I’d appreciate.

John Gray:                              Thank you again.


  • 00:00 – Health I.Q. can help you get lower rates on life insurance due to your healthy lifestyle. Find out more + special offer!
  • 01:46 – Cool Fact of the Day: Smiles…and Sweat
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  • 05:50 – Dave intros John Gray, author of “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus”, and his new book in the series, “Beyond Mars and Venus”
  • 06:54 – What people are looking for from their relationships today — what are today’s expectations? And how are hormones involved?
  • 11:18 – John’s “come home” ritual, how the dog is involved…and more about hormones!
  • 14:21 – Dave asks John for some valuable relationship advice
  • 17:25 – Dave recommends “The Power of When” by Dr. Michael Breus
  • 17:42 – When should you “get some”? Let’s talk about sex, baby!
  • 23:41 – The “testosterone side” of men
  • 30:00 – John shares new insights he’s had in the 25 years since “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus”
  • 37:58 – Coming to a relationship understanding: the code phrase
  • 46:57 – A main takeaway from John about relationships
  • 50:01 – John’s three most important pieces of advice…about sex!
  • 1:04:50 — Pick up John’s new book, “Beyond Mars and Venus”, pick up a copy of Dave’s “Headstrong” + go to Amazon and leave reviews for both authors!

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