Hack Your Love Life: Hormones & Happiness
Discover practical tips for enhancing your relationships and boosting happiness, plus, learn how hormones influence behavior with relationship expert and author, John Gray.
In this Episode of The Human Upgrade™...
I’ve been eagerly looking forward to this conversation with a dear friend and a true luminary in the realm of relationships and personal development, John Gray. for quite some time. You probably recognize his name as the author of the famous book, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.
But what’s especially exciting is how John has evolved his insights to address the changing dynamics between men and women in the modern world, as he highlighted in his 2020 book, Beyond Mars and Venus: Relationship Skills for Today’s Complex World.
Now, why is this episode a must-listen? Well, John isn’t just a relationship expert; he’s also a seasoned biohacker who understands the profound impact of our environment – including relationships – on our hormones, happiness, and dopamine levels. In essence, he’s been biohacking before it even had a name. With decades of wisdom, he offers invaluable insights into navigating the complexities of male-female relationships in today’s world.
Delve into the fundamental differences between men and women, the importance of appreciation in relationships, what truly motivates men, and practical tips on boosting testosterone and managing emotions. We also explore how men and women process feelings differently, the art of setting boundaries, and the language of love as the language of hormones.
Get ready for a masterclass in understanding the dynamics of modern relationships and how to create lasting happiness.
“Don't look to your partner to be happy. Look to your partner to be happier.”
(00:59) Understanding Fundamental Differences Between Men & Women
- Read: Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus
- The most common relationship problems
- How testosterone interacts differently biologically with men and women
(04:38) Do Men Exist To Make Women Happy?
- The importance of appreciation between men and women
- The difference between providing for and needing someone
(06:32) Exploring What Drives & Motivates Men
- The ultimate manipulator to control a man
- How hormones and success intertwine
(11:09) How to Boost Testosterone & Navigate Emotions
- Supplements that raise testosterone levels
- How negative emotions and gender differences trigger different hormones
- Why porn is not productive for men
- What boosts testosterone naturally?
(19:14) Why Men Disconnect When Talking About Feelings
- How John regulates his testosterone through meditation
- The difference between how men and women deal with stress
(30:22) How Men Can Help Women Come Back Into Balance
- What to do if you get triggered in a conversation
- How to have consideration for the other person and deescalate a situation
(39:17) Setting Boundaries & Working on Your Relationship
- When you can work on a relationship or understanding it’s not a match
- How to stop a conversation when you need a pause
(49:41) Advice for Women for How To Talk About Their Feelings With Their Partner
- Why complaining about one another doesn’t work
- Extreme effects of testosterone and estrogen on emotions
(01:02:22) Why The Language of Love Is the Language of Hormones
- The language of love is the language of hormones
- Respect, acceptance, and safety as pillars of relationship happiness
(01:05:48) What Women Need in a Relationship
- How depression manifests in women with a hormone imbalance
(01:13:07) The Defense Against Attacks on Your Reputation
- The testosterone dopamine axis
- What happens when someone attacks your reputation
(01:17:49) Techniques for Processing Emotions
(01:25:32) Thoughts on Estrogen Receptor Degraders
(01:31:48) What Masturbation Does to Men vs. Women
(01:37:42) Advice for Couples Not Having Sex
Enjoy the show!
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[00:00:05] Dave: You’re listening to The Human Upgrade with Dave Asprey. Today’s episode is one that I just have been looking forward to for a long time. It is with a dear friend, a guy who’s taught me so much, and a guy you’ve probably heard of, John Gray. He’s author of a very famous book, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, and probably, what, 40 other books? How many books have you written now?
[00:00:30] John: Just 25. Just 25
[00:00:32] Dave: Oh my gosh, I’m such a slacker. I’m at eight, by the way, just to be clear.
[00:00:37] John: Congrats. Yeah. They’re amazing books.
[00:00:40] Dave: Oh, thank you. Truly, coming from you, that means a lot. The thing I wanted to chat about here is things have changed since the ’90s. And so you wrote a then and now version of this with the idea being, even over that 20- or 30-year range, that the most common relationship problems, at least between men and women, are because of fundamental psychological differences between the sexes. Has anything changed in that view over the course of last 30 years? This is a fundamental problem.
[00:01:19] John: I think men are still men. Women are still women. But the challenges we face are completely different. As soon as women started being independent from men, making more money, being independent, being highly educated, what do they need a man for? So that changed everything. So many single women will say, why do I need a man in my life?
[00:01:42] If you don’t know what you need a man for, why do I want to be with you? Because ultimately, men are looking for a job. They want to be successful. Everything we do is to be successful. And many women listening are going to go, yeah, I want that too. That’s her masculine side. But if you’re a man and you have a biology of a man, feeling successful and providing for others, solving problems, getting things done, setting goals and achieving those goals produces male-friendly hormones, testosterone.
[00:02:14] And women, with the same intention of solving problems, fixing things, achieving your goals, making money, they make testosterone as well. And it’s not that testosterone is not female-friendly. It’s just testosterone doesn’t lower a woman’s stress levels. Testosterone will lower a man’s stress levels.
[00:02:32] And how I say that is when a man is experiencing high cortisol levels, chronic stress, his testosterone levels are low. When a man is feeling no stress but motivated, challenged, his testosterone is at its maximum place. Then if he’s in a physically intimate relationship, his testosterone can go even higher.
[00:02:53] So you can make all the money in the world, but if the woman’s not adoring you in bed, you’re not going to reach the highest level you can get to. So you’ll see many successful men do have intimate experiences at a very high level. This is how we’re set as men.
[00:03:11] If you’re out there making love, your testosterone levels will be higher because– think about my work and your work. When we’re standing in front of the audiences at your big conferences, which are such a delight, and you get a standing ovation from those people, you just feel fantastic.
[00:03:28] Your testosterone has shot up. That is because I have served them, and they’re acknowledging and appreciating me. So testosterone goes up. That’s what men thrive on. And on another world– it was playful. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. There’s the female friendly hormone, estrogen. And when a woman is depressed, stressed, unhappy, her estrogen levels will typically be too low.
[00:03:55] And if her estrogen levels are normal and healthy, she is happy. And then for her to be happier, we’ll call that orgasm, her estrogen levels have to double. If her estrogen levels don’t double or can’t double, she’s not going to experience that highest peak of connection and bonding that’s possible for couples today. But you have to learn some good skills to keep that going.
[00:04:20] Dave: Hmm. I dated this absolutely just wonderful woman for a while, and she came over to my house one day, and she said, Dave, I’ve decided that men are here to make women happy. And this is a woman who studies relationships for a living, and I just laughed, but it made me think of your work. Guys just want to be useful. We want to be successful. What would you say to her?
[00:04:46] John: From one point of view, absolutely. A man just wants to make a woman happy. And let me give you some foundation for this. I’m not a people pleaser. Sometimes when men hear me saying, look, men just want to make women happy, they think, oh, you’re just some wimp, people pleaser. I go, hold on, hold on.
[00:05:06] Dave: No.
[00:05:06] John: You’re only a wimp if you’re not being adored, and appreciated, and acknowledged, and trusted, and accepted just the way you are. If you’re giving up who you are, then you’re a wimp. So when I say men just want to make women happy, let me just tell you, men who are married, who decide to get a divorce, women who are married and they decide to get a divorce, what women will almost always say, I give, and I give, and I give, and I don’t get back. So I have nothing left to give.
[00:05:40] That’s what women will say. What do men say? They typically will say, no matter what I do, it’s never enough to make her happy. That’s our bottom line. We really just want our wives to be happy. And if she’s happy, what’s the message I get? I’m getting a standing ovation. When I come home, I’m getting a standing ovation. It doesn’t look like a standing ovation, but it’s a woman who’s happy.
[00:06:04] Dave: Who’s laying on your back ovation. Is that what you’re saying, John?
[00:06:07] John: A layon my back.
[00:06:08] Dave: A laying on your back ovation.
[00:06:10] John: It’s usually for me in the morning, but yes.
[00:06:15] Dave: So there’s some loop around being a source of safety, groundedness, being a provider, all the other, I don’t know, guy things. And that’s creating a rise in estrogen, which creates appreciation, which then fuels additional intimacy. Am I reading that right?
[00:06:33] John: Through appreciation–
[00:06:35] Dave: Yeah.
[00:06:35] John: If I do the things you just mentioned, providing, being supportive in a way which makes her feel supported, not what I think is supportive– let me qualify that. Let’s say I make a lot of money. At a certain point, so what? She can always get a lawyer and keep that money. That’s the dark side of divorce. So women have figured this out. And let’s add to it. Let’s say I make a lot of money, but she also makes a lot of money.
[00:07:04] Dave: Hmm.
[00:07:04] John: They’re similar. Why does she need me? So why is she going to appreciate? It’s like, look at all this do things I do for you. She says, I do that too. What else are you doing for me? So that’s the picture today. When women could not make money and they lived in a dangerous world, to have a man who’s amazing, and you had a huge appreciation because you felt this is something of meaning and value to me that I need.
[00:07:31] Need is a word that’s become a bad word because you can be needy, and that’s awful. Needy is, I need you, and you’re not providing. That’s needy. I need you, and you’re not giving me enough. I need you, and when you don’t give me what I need, it hurts inside. And that’s really immature. It’s too demanding. It’s not a good relationship skill. And this is this phrase that women are all being taught to say now, which is, that hurts.
[00:08:04] Okay, everything hurts. We’ve become this hypersensitive society of, my feelings are hurt. Now, when your feelings are hurt, the part of you that’s feeling hurt is probably about seven years old inside of you. This is the most immature part of us. So let me give you an example of how this would look. I have a friend, and he’s a successful businessman.
[00:08:25] He does well in his life. He’s a biohacker. He’s very cool guy. And he’s got a beautiful girlfriend. And he loves her, and she’s amazing. And they have amazing physical intimacy. There’s nothing to complain about. And then he says, okay, this weekend, I want to go fishing with my buddies. And she says, but if you go fishing with your buddies, it hurts.
[00:08:49] Do you want to hurt me? Do you still want to go fishing with your buddies if that hurts me? And he goes, listen, I don’t want to hurt you, but I also need time for my life. I can’t always be with you fulfilling your needs here, which I enjoy doing when I have time for that and I’m with you.
[00:09:05] And so this idea of, I feel hurt becomes the ultimate manipulator to control a man. And then what men will often say is, besides my wife is not happy, I feel controlled. And women go, I’m not trying to control you. They’re not aware that negative emotions to a man can seem controlling and why because we so much want them to be happy because when she’s happy, I take credit for it. So I feel great.
[00:09:33] I take her to a movie, and she goes, that was a great movie. On a personal level, I feel like I wrote that movie. It’s like you’ve developed all these great products. If your wife’s taking your products and drinking your products, and she’s saying, I feel fantastic, you feel yeah, I did that.
[00:09:50] So men will tend to take credit for how women feel. But that’s a bit of [Inaudible] as well because if she doesn’t feel good, then we feel bummed out. And bottom line, if I’m speaking to an audience and half the audience leaves, I’m going to be pretty bummed out.
[00:10:07] Because as perfect as we want to be, I’m still attached to, hey, I want everybody to be happy with my talks. And if a few go, that’s all right. But half leave, what a bummer. It triggers unhappy feelings in me. So success is , again, coming back to– and I like to bring it back to hormones because this is your facts.
[00:10:28] Men need to make, just for feeling good, 10 times more testosterone than an average woman who’s feeling good. And to be a biohacker, a superman, live long life, you have to hire testosterone. At 72 years old, my average testosterone is 50 percent higher than when I was a young man doing all right.
[00:10:51] Dave: Without supplementing.
[00:10:53] John: I don’t do any supplements. No, I do supplements, but not for testosterone. One of my favorite supplements, oh, it’s Tongkat Ali. I love Tongkat Ali, but I can’t even take it. I would just have erections all the time.
[00:11:07] Dave: You stopped taking it. No kidding.
[00:11:09] John: Oh, at 50 years.
[00:11:10] Dave: So you guys, Tongkat Ali, common testosterone-raising herb. I don’t take that.
[00:11:13] John: Yeah, it’s a really good one if your testosterone’s low, because also, one of its functions is it inhibits the transfer of testosterone into estrogen. What’s that hormone that does that?
[00:11:26] Dave: It’s aromatase.
[00:11:28] John: Aromatase. So Tongkat Ali is a aromatase inhibitor because that’s one of the problems for men, is we can have this testosterone, and as soon as a woman’s not happy with us, we get upset. And what’s just occurring is now your estrogen levels are going higher. It’s like if you take too much testosterone, too much, then it will convert into estrogen. Because your body’s always trying to find the right balance, and you get man boobs. Or if you’re too far on your female side, you get man boobs.
[00:11:58] Dave: I’ve struggled with man boobs for my whole life. When I was younger, I was obese, and I always had them. All the guys in my family have them. It’s a testosterone pathway thing. And I don’t have them at all because I finally managed the conversion of testosterone and estrogen the right way.
[00:12:15] I use Crizin, which is similar to Tongkat Ali, but it doesn’t raise testosterone. It just stops it from going down that pathway. And if I forget to take it, give me about three days. I’m like, oh, tender nipples. And it’s irritating. But even though I’m very lean and extra body fat makes extra estrogen, it happens.
[00:12:36] And managing it with herbs, whether it’s Tongkat or Crizin, it seems like a really good idea, but you’re not doing either one of those because you make a lot of testosterone because of your, we’ll call it energetic and sexual practices, and your relational practices, and probably your diet. But then do you take something to manage conversion to estrogen or you don’t need to do that either?
[00:12:58] John: No, I don’t.
[00:12:59] Dave: So really the man’s man hormonally and naturally.
[00:13:03] John: Nothing was natural. When I recognize how clearly gender differences trigger different hormones– so if I let myself talk about anything, I’m feeling sorry for myself, or argue, or raise my voice, any of those symptoms of using negative emotions to create a response in somebody, my estrogen levels will flare very, very high.
[00:13:31] Dave: So whining is bad.
[00:13:33] John: Whining is really bad for men. Complaining is really bad for men, particularly to a woman that you’re arguing with because then you’re using negative emotions to create a result. Negative emotions is the lowest animal level inside of us.
[00:13:50] Dave: Isn’t that what like social justice warriors, every protester out there is complaining?
[00:13:56] John: Yeah. Their testosterone levels are just so down if they’re men. Their estrogen levels are so high. They’re petty. They’re picky. They’re hypersensitive. Their feelings are hurt all the time.
[00:14:07] Dave: Like Greta.
[00:14:09] John: This is the dynamic. What happens to women is if they’re out there complaining, it’s like porn for men. See, porn is not productive for men. We might talk about that later, but just right now–
[00:14:21] Dave: It feels good, but it’s bad for us, right?
[00:14:23] John: That’s right. It feels good. The reason it feels good is because it super raises testosterone. When a man looks at porn, if you go online, go to free porn, 64,000 women are waiting to have sex with you in your subconscious mind. So you’re alpha man. You’re the king of the tribe. And so your testosterone shoots up really, really high, and it will go way down afterwards. And way down is called baseline.
[00:14:52] Dave: Even if you don’t ejaculate? What if you just look at it for a while and get turned on and then don’t ejaculate.
[00:14:57] John: I’ll tell you, being a master of not ejaculating, which is part of my high testosterone, I never ejaculate. I could in a second. See, that’s the thing. I’m very in touch with my female feeling, my feelings. My estrogen levels are also very high. It’s just my testosterone so much higher.
[00:15:19] And being in touch with feelings when you’re over there, that’s the reason we ejaculate other than the fact we get addicted to it. When something feels so good, this feels so good, I want more and more of this. When anything feels good, you’re producing female hormones. That’s why you look at manly men– I won’t call myself a manly male, but if you watch Joe Rogan’s–
[00:15:41] Dave: You’re a well-balanced guy.
[00:15:43] John: I’m a well-balanced guy. But you get this big guys, and Joe Rogan was interviewing one of them, and he said, tell me your routine. He says, I get up every morning at 4 o’clock. I run huge amount of distance. I forget what it is. Miles and miles.
[00:15:57] Dave: It’s probably my friend [Inaudible], maybe.
[00:16:00] John: He runs miles and miles, and he comes back.
[00:16:03] Dave: Yeah.
[00:16:03] John: And then he gets into a freezing cold bath. He gets into the ice thing.
[00:16:07] Dave: I do that, yeah.
[00:16:08] John: And then you finish with that. He says, and I feel like a million bucks. I’m King Kong. I’m the king of the world. And I know that feeling. I feel that way. And then Joe says, do you like getting up like that? I hate it. I hate every minute of it. I hate it. I hate it.
[00:16:25] Dave: It has to be David Goggins. Okay, got you.
[00:16:28] John: I use that example for people to understand that high testosterone guys have to do stuff that is not easy. You’ve got to do difficult, challenging stuff, and you don’t like it. See, whenever you’re liking something, you’re making estrogen. Whenever you’re enjoying something, you’re making estrogen.
[00:16:46] When you’re depending on something to make you happy, that’s an estrogen stimulator. Actually, when you’re depending on yourself to be productive, to do something that you believe is productive and good for you, and good for others, and so forth, you set a goal, and I’m going to achieve that goal.
[00:17:06] So I tell men, particularly for men, set goals. And for some men, just write them out. Put it out there, and then when you take action to achieve those goals, your testosterone levels go up. Again, I talk to young men about, you want your testosterone to go up? Make promises.
[00:17:24] When you make a promise, you’re setting a goal, and then you follow through. So my joke is I don’t make that many promises now. It’s too hard. If I say I’m going to do something, I have to do it. So if I’m not really sure I’m going to do it, I don’t make the promise. But being a person of integrity, it’s such a good quality.
[00:17:44] It would be our male side has that integrity strengthens us that if I don’t like it, if it’s hard or whatever, but I said, I’m going to do it, I’m going to do it. And that process, that mental process of taking action to achieve your goals is a huge testosterone booster.
[00:18:01] Dave: I love hearing this. One of the reasons I do this show, the reason I started my blog on biohacking is I just wish someone had told me this when I was 19, and I was obese, and my brain didn’t work, and I didn’t know all the stuff that I know now. And it was only in a way I could understand it.
[00:18:19] What you’re saying is for guys, it’s supposed to suck at least for a little while each day. And that’s one of the reasons I do cold plunges or cryotherapy when I have an Upgrade Labs near me, because that little bit, not only is there an effect on testosterone. Testosterone and dopamine go together, and dopamine is the motivation, happiness chemical.
[00:18:39] So that’s a way to do it. Okay, so that’s important. It’s supposed to suck. And if you set a goal and then do the goal, your testosterone goes up. If your testosterone goes up, you’ll be happier because of dopamine, but you’ll probably be more attractive to women too, right?
[00:18:56] John: Absolutely. Absolutely. Women are saying today, they just feel there’s this wishy washy quality of men, and they’re just turned off by it. And here’s a paradox. Women will say, I need to know what you’re feeling. Dave, what are you feeling? What’s going on inside? Talk to me. Talk to me. And then they have this encouragement of psychology saying, we’re all supposed to talk about our feelings.
[00:19:20] They don’t take in concern, are you a man? Are you a woman? Are you a man with high testosterone and you can tolerate talking about some feelings? Your testosterone levels normal, and you talk about your emotions and feelings. Estrogen’s going up. Your testosterone will go down.
[00:19:37] So you have to be careful about this talking about feelings things. On one hand, culture is telling women, we all need to talk about our feelings because women do. But they need to learn how to talk about their feelings in a way that doesn’t blame men. Okay, that’s part of it.
[00:19:55] Why this happens, one is psychology is telling us we should all talk about feelings. But what will happen is when a man is slightly challenged– okay, woman’s saying something. Am I being blamed? Am I supposed to do this better? Did I not do it good enough? Should I actually change?
[00:20:11] Is she being reasonable? Is she not being reasonable? Or simply, he’s thinking, what’s the point? Where’s she going with this? What am I supposed to do about this? See, men always go to action. So what am I supposed to do about this? So I’m listening to her. What’s going to happen in most men is we’re going to detach.
[00:20:29] Testosterone creates detachment. That’s also why my testosterone levels are much higher than I was a young man. I’m very detached. I’ve meditated for 50 years. I’m like a little Buddha. Nothing bothers me. And if it does, I process it quietly inside. I analyze it. Let it go with forgiveness, with responsibility. Pardon
[00:20:51] Dave: You’re a master of that. We’ve known each other for 10 plus years. And every time I see you, you’re just dialed in. You don’t get rattled.
[00:20:58] John: No.
[00:20:58] Dave: And you’ve been through some stuff. Yeah.
[00:21:01] John: But every guy, when you’re challenged by something, what that means is you’re starting to have some frustration, some disappointments, some concerns, some worries. That’s estrogen. So if estrogen is going up, I need to balance. And so I need to make more testosterone.
[00:21:20] The body naturally does this in men. So what we do is we disconnect from our emotions. We disconnect in order to think about it. So if you could just look at, I need to think about it, not feel about it, I’m starting to feel about it, not pleasant feelings, so I want to find my balance. I’m going to disconnect.
[00:21:38] So quite often men will be listening, and they suddenly disconnect. We become quiet. We mull it over. And women panic. They freak out. They go, what are you feeling? What’s going on? And what they really want to know is that you’re not mad at them. That you’re not going to punish them.
[00:21:56] Dave: I think I figured out the cheat code. In a situation like that, if a woman I’m dating says, what are you feeling? The answer is, I’m feeling horny. And it bypasses everything. What’s wrong with that approach?
[00:22:09] John: I think it’s great. I never thought of that one. But here’s my response. I have to adapt to see how that might work for me. Well, I’m pretty horny all the time. So even if I’m mad– actually, I don’t get that angry. Let me come back to my point, but that was a good answer.
[00:22:29] If a woman says, what are you feeling? I say, I’m thinking about what you just said, and that’ll be enough. Basically, they just want to hear a friendly tone of voice. It’s all in the tone of voice. I’m just thinking about what you just said. Tell me more. And you take them off of you.
[00:22:48] And this is a danger place because when you start to disconnect, which is very natural, whenever you detach, testosterone goes up. So when you ask me about how I regulate my testosterone levels, I meditate at least one to two hours a day. Unless I don’t have time to do it. But generally speaking, I’ll meditate one to two hours. In meditation, you learn to detach from the outer world.
[00:23:12] You’re letting go. In a sense, you’re forgetting all of your problems in a non-stressed state. Again, forgetting your problems is a very useful testosterone booster because if I can’t solve a problem– like right now, we’re solving problems. We’re doing our thing.
[00:23:33] Testosterone goes up. But at the end of the day, when you can’t be solving problems as you’re a man, then the next best thing is, let me take time to forget my problems that I can’t do anything about and solve a problem I can do something about, which is my meditation practice. It’s a challenge.
[00:23:51] When I’m meditating, it takes a lot of willpower. It takes intention. It takes clarity. It takes focus. So I’m applying myself to solve the big problem, which is not the problems of the day. So that was the ultimate technique taught for men, was meditation. Buddha is basically teaching you to forget all your problems.
[00:24:11] Go in a state of samadhi. And you can do that. But what you’re doing at that time is building huge testosterone. Now, not all men are going to become meditators. They’re not all going to become masters of it, so to speak. But what they have is you can just simply go to your cave.
[00:24:27] From my yogic background– actually, you’ve been in caves. I’ve been in caves, meditating in caves. I’m in my cave right now. I’m underground in my office. And then I decided to actually dig even deeper. I’ve just built another cave just for–
[00:24:43] Dave: Oh, really?
[00:24:44] John: Yes. It’s even deeper. And it turns out soil that my house is on has got crystals all in it. So it’s real good energy, and I go down there into that cave. And sometimes I’ll meditate there. I actually can meditate anywhere, but the point of it is it’s a very systematic way to detach from having to solve problems that we can’t do anything about and create a problem that we can do something about.
[00:25:10] And that’s what hobbies are for men. So any kind of hobby a man has is actually a way he recovers from the day’s stress by forgetting that. So now I’m married to my wife, and she’s upset about her day’s stress. And what do men typically say? Honey, just forget it. Don’t worry about it.
[00:25:31] It’s no big deal. It’s not a problem. You can’t do anything about it now, so why don’t we go have sex? These things just don’t work with women because they’re designed differently. Now, there’s a whole spectrum of all different kinds of women, but hormonally, women are women, and if they talk about what’s going on inside of them– we’re solving problems. We’re going out into the world and producing an effect. That’s a testosterone producer.
[00:26:00] An estrogen producer is I’m going to let you come in to me and have an effect. It’s just the opposite. We’re complementary. So women will talk about their day, and by revealing what’s inside, they feel seen. They feel heard. They feel you care. They feel understood. They feel validated.
[00:26:21] But if you’re hearing them and then you’re making jokes about what they said, they don’t feel validated, and then they stopped talking to you. Or if you get angry at them, and most men will get angry if women just talk about all their feelings, women have to understand, just as men have to learn how to listen without interrupting, how to ask questions, give her what she needs, which is to feel heard. How can I hear her if what she’s saying is I’m a terrible guy? This is what women are missing, the whole idea of complaining just pushes a man away from you.
[00:26:55] Dave: You don’t have to take that as a guide, and it’s not appropriate. And if you have good boundaries, you need to stop that because it’s toxic. And if there’s a thing you want to change, we can talk about it, but we’re going to talk about it once. You’re not going to harp on it. I’m curious. So there’s a reason that’s the name for it. You keep playing the harp. And I think this is something that maybe you guys need to do in relationships. The other thing that I’ve noticed, and I wanted to check in with you–
[00:27:23] John: You just made a huge point, Dave. How do you not take it? How do you not take it?
[00:27:29] Dave: Yeah, that’s what I was going to ask you because I’ve been dating for a couple years now post-divorce, and I’ve just been fortunate to date some magical people. But when it’s one of those they’re going to share feelings times, there’s a grounded thing I do with meditation where I’m like, these are not mine, and the emotions don’t affect me.
[00:27:53] I’m listening, but I don’t lose my state. And the feedback I get from that is, wow, you’re not afraid of my emotions. And then they feel heard because I’m not emotionally reactive to their emotions. And then they stop talking about them just because I didn’t get tweaked.
[00:28:08] John: That’s it.
[00:28:11] Dave: Just be grounded. Let them say it once. Don’t lose your shit, and then they’re done.
[00:28:16] John: That’s exactly it. See, what happens is women will talk, and if you get triggered and you talk back, that it just goes down. What you have to do is what you’ve learned to do is not get triggered by it. Here’s how I don’t get triggered by it. I’m going to tell you how I do it, but also women have some responsibility here too.
[00:28:38] Dave: Absolutely.
[00:28:40] John: But from my side, if a woman is upset, I have such background of experience with this and knowing that if I don’t react, her upset will transform before my eyes. So men think if a woman’s upset about something, you have to change or do something different for her upset to go away. We think that, but that’s not–
[00:29:06] Dave: It’s true. If you feed them steak, they usually behave themselves better. Is that true?
[00:29:11] John: Well, I wouldn’t put it that way, but I like steak.
[00:29:15] Dave: I’m just going to get canceled right now. My point was that if anyone, male or female, is feeling emotional, eat some animal protein. You’ll be more grounded, and you’ll probably be less emotional. So there you go.
[00:29:27] John: That’s a good approach. I like that. My wife loves steak. That’s what makes it work. I also felt having a really good sharp knife when you cut the steak makes a difference as well. Just want to throw that in. But if you have to struggle with your stake, get a new knife.
[00:29:46] Dave: You know what, thank you for saying that. Yes, I spend huge amounts of money on steak knives because if our steak falls apart, your testosterone goes up. And if you have to rip at it with a little serrated piece of shit knife, your testosterone drops, you grow man boobs, and you pretty much should be eating a soy burger. All right, can we just put that out there?
[00:30:03] John: Let’s put this as a metaphor, that if your knife is not working, then it makes a mess. So the knife for a man is don’t get upset when she’s talking. Don’t get upset when she’s talking. Now, what’s biologically happening when you get upset, when you’re upset, we’ll call that a little stress reaction.
[00:30:23] And when a man has a stress reaction, if it’s a little stress like a little adrenaline, he will detach. So that’s easy. It’s like when a woman’s a bit bothered, first of all, men will detach. Okay, I can handle this. But at a certain point, he’ll talk, and he’ll try to solve what she’s talking about. And then she’s going to go, yes, but. At that point, little stress becomes big stress.
[00:30:47] You’ve just given your great advice, and it hasn’t had enough effect on her. So now it’s going to be more upsetting to you, and you’re going to have that estrogen surge. And your estrogen surge just keeps rising higher and higher, if you’re a man, if you’re not feeling successful.
[00:31:04] If you don’t feel successful, estrogen goes up, and the symptom of your estrogen going up is you get angry, and you get intense. And whenever men get angry, or intense, or argumentative, it will shut a woman down. And whatever she has to talk about will now multiply, and triple, and quadruple.
[00:31:23] Dave: Mm.
[00:31:25] John: It’s learning to be detached. And detachment doesn’t mean disinterested. Detachment doesn’t mean that I don’t care what you’re saying. I’m detached, but I realize I have this person I love, and they’re confused. They’re emotional. They’re not making sense. I don’t say that to them, but when somebody is– here’s a general philosophy I have. When somebody’s having negative emotions, they’re not seeing reality. They’re just not being logical.
[00:31:55] When you’re logical, your male side, and you’re emotional, your female side, you will always have positive emotions, positive feelings. Whenever you’re having negative emotions, there’s an imbalance. And that’s what a negative emotion is. It’s a symptom that says, hey, you need to make an adjustment here and let go of that negative emotion. But the primitive brain goes, if I have a negative emotion, let me use it to create a result.
[00:32:20] Let me get angry to intimidate somebody. Let me feel sad to get someone to feel sorry for me and help me. Let me feel fear so I’d have a justification for not taking action, and I can run away. I feel guilty in order to have someone trust me again. Really, emotions are all manipulations, but I’m not saying that we should suppress our emotions because that would be suppressing a part of who we are.
[00:32:48] We want to upgrade who we are by feeling the emotion and then transforming it into a positive emotion. And what I’ve seen to be the case, if I create safety for a woman to express what she’s going through, revealing what’s inside, if it’s negative, it will very quickly turn into positive. Why? Because talking about your feelings, whether they’re negative or positive will produce estrogen.
[00:33:16] See me. Hear me. See my sign. I’m activist. I’m opposing. It’s like porn because it will produce estrogen, but it does nothing to change your life. You’re a woman who comes to me for therapy. She’s going to first talk about how bad her husband is or her ex-husband is. And she’ll talk about that.
[00:33:34] I will listen to that for a while before I help point out to her how she’s also part of the problem. I would never start with that. That would be trying to solve her problem. I’ll first help raise her estrogen by being empathetic to whatever her experiences, even though, from my male side, I know that she’s a part of the problem, just like the other guy’s a part of the problem.
[00:33:56] When it comes to a woman you want to first raise her estrogen. If estrogen levels go up, her stress level will go down. When her stress level goes down, she can think more reasonably and also more positively on an emotional level. So I know you get this but let me give another little story here for everybody listening.
[00:34:19] This is imagination here for a moment. We have this hippocampus in our brain, and it’s the memory, this memory center. And for women, it’s generally almost twice as big for them than a man, which, by the way, answers your question, women. You always have the question, which is, how could you forget? How could you forget?
[00:34:43] Dave: Because you have a man’s brain, a smaller hippocampus.
[00:34:47] John: I have a smaller hippocampus, honey. Don’t take it personally, please. And men are saying, why do you keep remembering everything in the past? By every mistake, you remember it all. And that’s because she’s got a bigger hippocampus. But the hippocampus is like a library, and it has two stories. And the ground story is all the positive memories.
[00:35:09] You’re an amazing guy. You do this. You did that for me. You do this for me. You love my kids. Just all your best qualities, she remembers on the ground floor. And then all of her disappointments throughout the whole relationship, and her father, and her other relationships, it’s all stored on the second floor. When she’s in stress mode, it’s like she gets in an elevator and goes to the second floor of the memory.
[00:35:33] Dave: Mm.
[00:35:33] John: And so all she can think about is, you’re the guy who didn’t do this, and you’re the guy who didn’t do this. And as she’s thinking that, she’s just becoming more upset. So if she can express that, expressing what you feel, regardless of whether it’s positive or negative will produce estrogen.
[00:35:50] When estrogen goes up, if she’s deficient in estrogen, now it’s going up, her stress level will go down. When her stress level goes down, she’s not in fight or flight. She’s now on the ground floor. And now suddenly she’s remembering all the good things about you. So this is like an amazing thing for men to know, is if I just don’t take it personally, I don’t get upset about it.
[00:36:12] Men have to take action, though. See, it’s a key thing with testosterone. Keep your testosterone up is action. You’re anticipating success. That’s a big testosterone producer. I know that if a woman is upset with me, if I don’t get upset back, I win. I will always win, and she will win too eventually.
[00:36:30] So I know there’s a big reward coming for being a good “listener”. Now, when in history were men rewarded for being listeners? No way. This is all a whole new thing because when in the past did a woman say, oh, my husband’s not romantic. My husband’s not a good listener. My husband is not tender and affectionate, whatever.
[00:36:51] Women didn’t say that in the past. They say, my husband’s a good provider, or he doesn’t have a job, and he’s not a good provider. That was their major need. But as soon as women evolve beyond their survival needs, and they pretty much can take care of that themselves, then what do I need a man for? And a new need emerges, and it’s an insecurity.
[00:37:12] A deep, deep insecurity emerges, which says, I need a man to reassure me. I need a man to validate me. I need someone to say that I’m okay. And of course, when you’re having negative emotions, how can you say someone’s okay unless you understand, oh, it’s okay. Your estrogen levels are just too low.
[00:37:31] And if you talk for a while, they’ll come back to balance, and then you’ll remember what a great guy I am. And this whole model comes from one day, in my marriage, I was giving my wife a hug, and she was tense. She was tense. We started practicing six-second hugs. It turns out that six or seven seconds into a hug, if it’s non sexual, will produce a wave of oxytocin.
[00:37:55] Oxytocin, you feel safe. And then when you feel safe, you can begin to feel, I can depend on someone, and that raises her estrogen. So now she’s feeling safe. Estrogen levels are going up. Remember, anytime you feel, I can depend on someone for something of value, estrogen goes up. So when her estrogen starts to go up, she starts to feel better.
[00:38:20] After the hug, she said to me, John, for the first part of that hug, I was just frustrated with you. And then I started to remember all the good things you do, and I completely relaxed. So women get upset because they just forget the good things that we do. They’re temporarily no memory. Temporarily, they only remember the bad stuff as opposed to remembering the good stuff.
[00:38:43] So that’s the way I win, is helping her come back to realizing that she’s overreacting. Now, I never say you’re overreacting, but if you give women a chance to hear themselves, they’ll realize, if their estrogen does go up, that they’re overreacting. Anytime I’m upset, I’m overreacting. That’s my whole definition of upset, is you’re not centered and balanced right now.
[00:39:07] Dave: So there a couple of scenarios that come up here. So let’s say that a guy becomes a master of what you’re talking about. So you learn how to stay grounded and to not show that you’re losing your mind but also not lose your mind. Actually, in your heart, in your somatic-felt sense, you’re grounded.
[00:39:25] And a woman who’s important to you in your life is emoting and sharing all the feelings and stuff like that. And you’re like, okay, that’s fine. And you’re practicing what you said. So by showing them that you’re resolute and you’re there for them and wrapping them in safety and all the stuff you do, okay, it passes, and it’s good. But if you’re in a relationship with someone who it never passes, even when you do all that stuff and it just gets worse and worse and worse, what’s the strategy there?
[00:39:57] John: Well, let’s take it back a few steps before she got to that place. So many times, if my partner was to be bothered by something I said or did, it really annoys me a lot. I get angry inside, and then she says, oh, what are you feeling? I said I’m thinking about what you did. Tell me more. I never ever reveal what I feel.
[00:40:21] Dave: But they can feel you. They have hearts. They know.
[00:40:25] John: Dave, Dave, if you just simply say, I’m just thinking about what you said, help me understand it better, you’re now in control. See, as soon as you express, I’m angry about what you said, or I don’t like what you just said, or I don’t enjoy being with you when you’re like this, you’ve just gone to your female side, and you’re asking her to change, and that will blow her out of the water.
[00:40:47] Dave: No, I’m not going there. So you do the tell me more, tell me more. And I’ve been with people where they–
[00:40:55] John: Let me finish. I hear where you’re going. I don’t say, tell me more, tell me more, tell me more forever. I do it to my point of tolerance and say, now I’m going to think about it. And walk out of the room. I don’t allow myself to go to that place where I’m getting too upset, where my frustration, my annoyance, my being turned off turns into anger.
[00:41:17] If it starts to turn into that direction of anger, I stop. Okay. Let me think about this. We’ll talk about it tomorrow at 12:00. You just shut them up that way because you can’t hear– right now I can’t hear you. That’s also confrontive.
[00:41:33] Dave: Oh yeah.
[00:41:34] John: So you want to just say, look, I’m thinking about what you said. We can talk more about this another time, or tomorrow at 12:00, or we’ll do it at dinner tomorrow. Give them a go-to place. In the same way– now let me balance this– basically, you want to have sex with your wife, and she says, I’m not really in the mood, but I’ll let you know when I am.
[00:41:53] That’s such a nicer thing than if I just said, let’s have sex. She says, I really not in the mood now. Then you’re left with feeling, when are you in the mood? And then she’ll say, I don’t know. That’s not an appropriate answer. You basically said, let’s make love tonight. I don’t know if I’m in the mood. We’ll see. Better to say, I’ll let you know. Then you can relax as opposed to feeling like I’m this dog trying to get pet.
[00:42:21] We need to have consideration for the other person, but I’m telling you, so many arguments start when you’re listening and then you’re getting upset and then a woman will say, what are you feeling? And as soon as you start to express what you’re feeling, it all escalates, and she has way more to share.
[00:42:39] I’m just saying it up lightly. When your wife says, what are your feeling? I’m just thinking. I’m not feeling. That’s fine. There’s no feeling. I’m just thinking. Even if there is feeling, don’t go there because as soon as– yeah, you’re right. I get a little too excited here– you talk about what you’re feeling, estrogen levels are going higher. So don’t talk.
[00:42:59] Dave: Mm-hmm.
[00:43:00] John: Now, if you’re talking with a buddy, fine. Typically, if you’re upset with your guy friends, you make fun of things. You laugh at things. You lighten it up. That’s a way of processing feelings. And there’s a place, if people hear me, I have to realize there’s so many different parameters. When my wife died, I was only feelings. Five years ago, Bonnie passed, and I grieved and grieved and cried and was upset and nothing feeling. That’s a big problem.
[00:43:30] Yes. You process it. Man, don’t let little stuff bother you. It’s like that book. It’s All Small Stuff. But you can’t tell a woman when she’s having issues about small stuff, this is ridiculous. You’re making a big deal out of nothing. Instead, I interpret it, okay. She just needs to talk for a while about what’s bothering her. And then I’m going to give her a hug, and I don’t have to fix anything. I don’t have to solve anything. This is a difficult thing to master. I have no question about it.
[00:44:01] Dave: It’s definitely something you can master. And it feels like too, especially if it’s earlier on in the relationship, at a certain point, you’re going, you know what? The person that I’m evaluating as a potential partner has an awful lot of this, and it’s more than I want to deal with.
[00:44:17] Because there are some people who get really stuck in it and some people who the process works. And it feels to me, from talking with friends and people who are working with me on various programs, there’s a level of attainment that men have, like, okay, this is the amount of input that I can take before I get ungrounded. Right?
[00:44:39] John: Good. That’s good. That’s awareness. That’s a very–
[00:44:41] Dave: Yeah, that’s awareness. But if you found a potential partner and their default level is above your level, okay, you can work on your awareness, but it might be the wrong person, and it’s okay. Find someone who’s better matched, right?
[00:44:54] John: Absolutely. There’s a match that we need to recognize. I’ll tell you a story now which is very interesting about the match. Every relationship does have challenges, and my wonderful relationship with Bonnie over 32 years– I just love her so much, always loved her, but there were lots of challenges as well. And that’s part of how I wrote all my books, is how I overcame the challenges in the relationship. And one of the challenges was that Bonnie would never say she’s sorry.
[00:45:26] Dave: Mm.
[00:45:27] John: I felt like I’m the one who’s saying, I’m sorry, all the time. And one day, I said to her, honey, it just seems like I’m always apologizing and saying, I’m sorry, and you don’t. And yet you do for everybody else. And she said, John, when I was growing up, my mother was so hard on me.
[00:45:43] Everything that went wrong with my brothers or me or her was always my fault, was my fault. It was so painful. And I love you so much. I can say it to other people, but if I said, I’m sorry to you, it would crush me if you looked at me, you should be sorry, and you didn’t forgive me.
[00:46:05] So I said, in that moment, okay, honey, if you want to say you’re sorry about things, that’s okay. But from now on, you don’t have to. Now, what that did for me, I have to say, was it helped me actually increase my testosterone, my manliness, so to speak, because the part of you that takes responsibility is your masculine side. The part of you that is affected by others is your female side, whether it be positive or negative.
[00:46:30] So what’s made us successful in life is that when things go wrong, we adjust. We look at, how can I make this better? What do I have to do? What’s right for me to do? There’s a problem. Yes, other people are involved in the problem, but what’s my share of it? What can I do?
[00:46:43] And we’re looking at our body, and we’re looking at the environment. Biohacking is taking responsibility. It’s a very masculine thing, the biohack, which is, all right, this is affecting me this way. I’ve got toxins here where I’m going to fast. And again, fasting is another reason my testosterone levels stay very healthy.
[00:47:01] I have to do it at least once a month. I love fasting, meaning I have a two or three day fast once a month. Particularly, the way it shows up for me in my 70s is I’ll start getting belly fat. Now, once belly fat starts to happen, we know, for men and for women, belly fat generates estrogen. So I don’t need it. Wisdom and love generate estrogen.
[00:47:27] I don’t need any more estrogen. I have wisdom. I’ve got love. And if I’ve got belly fat, it’s just cooking estrogen all the time, making more. And so that’s something I want to avoid. And so by fasting, it keeps my belly fat down. I do intermittent fasting all the time, but then I occasionally will do two days or three days. So powerful. And of course, a plug for your book, I learned how to fast better your way. So people should know that. This is the ultimate.
[00:47:53] Dave: Thank you.
[00:47:54] John: Yeah, it’s the ultimate. We need to have a way that can work for us. And what you’ve done is explore those different ways for different people. Easy fasting. Then you build up easy to go two or three days. Once a year, I’ll do seven days. I think that’s very powerful for my longevity. And I’m in a competition with you as well. I’m planning 132. We’ll see.
[00:48:16] Dave: Right. I really hope that you beat me, and I also hope that I beat you. Either way, it’ll be a good opportunity to compete, so we all win.
[00:48:26] John: I’m just bringing in the testosterone factor in this. It’s a matter of not whining, not complaining, not being upset, but also there’s a place inside when you’re listening to a woman where it starts to challenge your ability to stay cool, calm, and collected. Stop the conversation. And that really important.
[00:48:48] And my way of stopping the conversation– I’ve tried different ways. A simple way is, okay, hold on here. I need to go to the bathroom. That’s one way. You’re boxing in the ring, and then you go to your corners.
[00:49:04] Dave: You let the cat out of the bag. I admit that I may have used that a few times in my marriage, but eventually I think she heard one of our episodes where you talked about that, and then she’s like, I know why you’re doing that. And I’m like, I have to poop. Yeah, it only works if you don’t overuse it, I heard.
[00:49:25] John: For sure. But again, it’s simply, look, I want to understand what you’re saying. I need to think about it, and I’m out of here. You just got to go walk away. You can’t try to be the good guy who’s read my book and you’re supposed to just listen and listen and listen. It’s not, tell me more forever. It’s, tell me more if you can actually persist.
[00:49:44] Now, here’s for the women listening. This is an unrealistic expectation, to expect your husband to listen to your complaints. Analyze your complaints and realize one complaint a week, and turn it into a request. That’s it. Talk about your feelings. Yes, you need to talk about your feelings.
[00:50:03] Talk about your feelings about other things. You’ve got a life out there. You’ve got a job you do. Every day has got frustrations. Every day has disappointments. You’re raising your kids. Any situation, there’s frustrations, there’s disappointments, there’s concerns, there’s embarrassment, there’s feelings of guilt.
[00:50:20] These are emotions that you can share with him about your life rather than your frustration with him, your disappointment with him. And if you don’t have enough emotional intelligence to articulate the various emotions that you have about your life that has nothing to do with him, then all of your emotions, because you’re suppressing them, will get projected onto him.
[00:50:43] So rather than being a little frustrated with him, you had five frustrating things happening today. Now you’re five times more frustrated with Dave. As opposed to at work, this happened. And this is something nobody talks about. Don’t talk to your husband about what’s wrong with him. Talk about what’s wrong with your life.
[00:51:01] And then when you do that, then say to him, always, I just need to share these feelings, and then afterwards I’m going to feel really good. So you share some feelings, and then you let him know that you feel very good by always finishing up by talking about some problems you had with this person, or that happened, or this fed on didn’t start up.
[00:51:18] But I’m really grateful because, I’m happy because. I love you, and I’m so happy that you listen to me, and I’m proud of myself for handling all these problems, and then go for a hug. She has to learn how to process her feelings and use you as a mirror, somebody who’s aware of what she’s going through, but you don’t have to fix anything.
[00:51:40] If women can learn this, you’ll only have a happy, fulfilled man who’s trying to please you all the time. And doesn’t resent the fact that he’s giving so much to you because he’s getting so much back, because what he wants and what he needs is to feel that you can trust him. You depend on him that you accept him just as he is, no complaints, and that you appreciate him for the things he does provide.
[00:52:03] These are possible. But so many women, when I talk about trusting a man, they put their finger in their mouth and go, ugh. Yeah, I’m supposed to trust him? This is like heresy. This is like today, black people standing up and just saying white people are terrible. It was the thing I heard was. Pale, male, and white. Pale male, and some other bad word.
[00:52:25] How can people stand up and say these things? It’s so racist. It’s so crazy. The whole society has tipped over where women feel it’s fine to say bad things about men. At least men used to never say bad things about women. Now we’re bouncing back. A lot of men push women down. We have to start loving. What happened to love?
[00:52:48] Dave: I was raised to not say bad things about any group of people because it’s actually the individuals in the group. That person did something, but whether someone else is a member of the group– and if you’re going to be complaining about men or women, it doesn’t work. If you’re looking for patterns in men and women so that you can improve understanding, I’m all over that
[00:53:17] And it feels like there really are some of these patterns in our hormone levels, but you seem like you’re relatively extreme on the effects of estrogen. Are there papers on this? How do you know about this stuff? Because this is really cool. By the way, I find what you’re saying to be accurate and true in my own experience, but how do we know that this raises and lowers estrogen or testosterone?
[00:53:42] John: Okay, so let’s start with testosterone. There’s more research on that. You’re a man and you have a football team or baseball team, soccer team, and they win, you can measure your testosterone goes up. Why did it go up? Because your team won. You were successful. And if they lose, your testosterone goes down and you feel bad.
[00:54:05] Every man knows when you’re not feeling successful, you feel bad. This is such simple knowledge. But there’s a study showing your testosterone shoots way high when your team wins. There’s another one. They’ve got medical records of millions of men in this country.
[00:54:23] They go for checkups. And for every age group, there’s average testosterone for that age group. So you average it out. So 25-year-olds, there’s a high and a low. You’ve got your averages. Now, within that section, let’s say you’re 35 years old. Some men will have the highest testosterone on average. They’re single.
[00:54:46] The next level down, you’re in a committed relationship with a woman. Now, there’s no research saying if you’re gay or whatever, so I don’t have ex knowledge on all that. I’m just talking about heterosexual. So you’re in a committed relationship with a woman. For that age group, the next lowest level is you’re married.
[00:55:05] So when you’re getting married, you’re suddenly in a lower testosterone level on average, than all the single men. And then you have children, you go down again. These are averages. And you have grandchildren. It goes down again. I don’t have to be average. You don’t have to be average. We’re consciously doing things to biohack our bodies, and our minds, and our heart to be optimal. But the average, it just goes down.
[00:55:34] Let me give you my experience now as a grandfather. I’ve got five grandchildren. The fifth is now only eight months old. And I go twice a week and play with the granddaughter for two hours. I bring them food, I socialize, but I’m caring for the baby. I’m never run out of energy.
[00:55:54] I have so much energy. But when I spent two hours with a baby, I am exhausted afterwards. I’m just going to take a nap. I am down for it. Because what happened is that loving relationship raises estrogen levels up. So your estrogen goes higher and higher. And there’s a tendency, if you’re not also feeling like you’re solving problems, fixing things on your male side, your testosterone will tend to go down. So I’m just playing with this little baby and being happy.
[00:56:27] So my point is there’s another research study showing that the more intimate men are with people, personal relationships, it lowers their testosterone on average. So that’s very profound. The next one is if you look at simply the hormone charts, when a woman is healthy, her estrogen levels will be 10 times more than the average man. When a woman is also healthy, her testosterone levels will be quite high.
[00:56:58] But a man’s testosterone levels to be healthy is 10 times higher. And for some men, it’s 20 times higher. So there’s no absolute for every man, no absolute for every woman, but there are these huge diversities between what women need to be happy and what men need to be happy. For example, we talked about the guy who works out at 4 o’clock in the morning. What’s his name?
[00:57:21] Dave: David Goggins, I think.
[00:57:23] John: When you see a man who’s got big shoulders, he’s going to have a littler waist typically. That’s a mesomorph body type. If you’re born with a mesomorph body type, then you have to make more testosterone to feel good. If you’re born with–
[00:57:38] Dave: Oh, no kidding. So if you’re like a V shape, you need more testosterone, or you’re going to be unhappy.
[00:57:45] John: That’s right. You need to make more testosterone. So if you go– yeah.
[00:57:50] Dave: That’s why I like to shoot up testosterone all the time. Totally solves my problems.
[00:57:56] John: Again, making testosterone is better than shooting up testosterone, just to–
[00:58:02] Dave: I’ve heard it. I’ve heard that. No, I do both as well as I can, but it’s been low my whole life. Okay.
[00:58:08] John: Yeah. So basically, if you shoot up testosterone, okay, it’s going to have some biological effects in your body. And it might also give you a greater level of confidence to take action. And it’s the confidence to take action and actually put it into action that’s going to be healthy for you and raise your testosterone your own.
[00:58:27] It’s like antidepressants do very little except it’s a placebo. And due to the placebo effect, it might cause people to have more confidence in interacting with other people, and that would be the benefit of it.
[00:58:40] So do it for a short period of time, set up some good habit patterns, and then let your relationship stimulate the brain chemicals of happiness and the hormones of motivation and happiness. When I talked about motivation, I think for the women listening, it’s very important to understand men. You asked for research. Let me do a little bit more on–
[00:59:01] Dave: Yeah.
[00:59:01] John: Women and estrogen. This dawned on me, is it turns out that back when I wrote Men Are From Mars, all of the medical community was asking me, how do we get men to all go to the doctors? Women all go to the doctors way more than men do. And it turns out that when you depend on someone for something, a hormone that feels really good gets produced.
[00:59:30] Now, I don’t have any research on that one other than just that one. I got lots of examples. Then I looked in the newspaper, and I saw that 90% of the people who go to talk therapy, go to counseling, where you’re just going to talk, are women. Why do men not do that?
[00:59:48] Now, men might go for strategies. We have this whole new field called coaching, where you’re going to learn strategies as opposed to just sitting there and talking. I’m telling you, many of these counselors will just sit and ask questions of women, and they leave, and they feel better.
[01:00:03] Why do they feel better? And why is it 90% of the people who go to talk therapy just to feel better are women? Because you do feel better. It raises your estrogen levels. Then you look at oxytocin. Now, oxytocin was considered to be the magic hormone. And in the ’90s, I would talk about that, is I went into the malls, and I saw that– you won’t see this today, but women were different back then.
[01:00:30] You see a mother with a baby in a baby carriage, and other women would flock. They glow. They see that little baby. And I go, okay, what is that hormone? And you find that’s the hormone oxytocin. And the 10 years later, they did research showing oxytocin is associated with low stress in women.
[01:00:50] Remember, women need to make 10 times more estrogen for their feelings of well-being. If a woman wants the orgasm, her estrogen levels have to become double, 10 times more than a man. These are all biological studies we can measure. Towards ovulation, for a woman to ovulate, her estrogen levels have to double.
[01:01:11] And they also have research studies showing that when women’s estrogen levels are close to ovulation, they find men very attractive, and they want to be penetrated. They have that desire for sex. So you put all this stuff together, and you realize she feels, I need a man. She’s in touch with, I need a man. I want to hold him. I want to take him inside of me. That happens when her estrogen levels go to a higher level than normal. And then you have women who are unhappy.
[01:01:42] Depressed women have low estrogen levels. And now, to get a little bit more sophisticated, after ovulation depressed women have not enough progesterone. Now progesterone is produced. Again, it takes a long time to figure this psychological aspect of it out, but there’s research studies that show that progesterone gets produced in social bonding.
[01:02:06] Dave: Mm.
[01:02:06] John: Okay, that’s well known social– oxytocin has been associated with well-being. We know that well-being in women is also their estrogen levels have to be 10 times higher than a man’s. So oxytocin allows estrogen to go up because when you feel safe– think about when you feel safe. You can depend on someone.
[01:02:26] For me as a man, I have a female side, and sometimes, like when I was in Russia, I had this bodyguard who was 6’8, big, giant guy, and– I never feel afraid. I don’t walk around having the awareness of being afraid unless I’m driving a car at 130 miles an hour or something. So it’s just not in my nature. But when I was with that man, I noticed how good I felt. It was like, it feels really comfortable to have someone to protect you.
[01:02:56] I realized this is what women get out of men, is basically when you feel that I’ve got protection, your estrogen levels go up. And what do you feel inside? You feel, I can depend on this person to protect me. It’s that feeling of, I can depend on someone. What do women always say? When women are stressed, what do they always say? They say, I can’t trust you. This is like the killer of relationships because the number one testosterone producer in men is you trust me.
[01:03:26] If you trust me, my testosterone goes up. When I come and speak at your conferences, oh, John Gray’s here. I already know they’re going to love my talk. They’re here because they want to hear my talk because they expect something good. When you feel trusted as a man, that you can deliver the goods, your testosterone levels shoot up.
[01:03:46] It’s the language. What raises estrogen? What raises estrogen is when a woman feels I can trust you. Why can I trust you? Because I know you care about me. I know you think I’m important. I know that you’ll be there for me. So the languages of love and men from Mars are still the languages of love because of the languages of hormones.
[01:04:11] When you give me a message that you trust me for something of value, my testosterone goes up. If I’m not perfect and you accept me, you’re not trying to change me, my testosterone goes up. And I’ll give you an example of that. One time I was doing some photo shoots in China, and people wanted their photos with me. And I’m like, let me comb my hair. And the woman said, oh, nobody cares what you look like. You’re a genius.
[01:04:41] Dave: That raised your testosterone, right?
[01:04:43] John: Of course. Of course. That means I don’t have to be perfect to be lovable, and I’m trusted. And so the other message’s that’s acceptance. When you get acceptance, your testosterone goes up. And that’s also forgiveness as well. You don’t have to be perfect. When women say they want a funny man, actually what they want is a man who’s light about himself.
[01:05:07] He has a lightness. He’s not always defending himself. Like, no, I’m right. I have to be right all the time. Oh, I made a mistake. Oh, I’m a little embarrassed, whatever. Playfulness. That’s acceptance. So you accept him. You trust him, and the big one, another testosterone producer, is you appreciate him. That’s the language of love that raises testosterone, and it will raise a woman’s testosterone as well.
[01:05:30] If I give her that trust and acceptance, and I appreciate her, but I’m like a child, if I’m in the place of depending on her, accepting her no matter what, and appreciating everything she does for me, she’s going to feel like she’s my mother, and she’s going to get turned off to me. What she needs to feel is she has that sense of she can depend on me for things, appreciates what I provide, etc.
[01:05:56] What she needs to open her heart is messages that say– as you relate to those things I just said that boost testosterone, what boosts estrogen is when somebody feels they can depend on you for their safety and their security, which that means, I care about you. If there’s a fire, I’m going to run and get you.
[01:06:17] I’m not going to get somebody else. I’m going to find you. You’re number one. Caring is like, if you get a new car and you’re a man, you like your car, and somebody dents it or scratches across the car, it’s like they scratched you. That’s what women want to feel to bump up their estrogen, is I care about you. You’re important to me. You’re significant to me.
[01:06:40] Second one, I understand where you’re coming from. Women’s so much need understanding because they won’t admit it, but they feel like they’re crazy, or they feel unlovable, or they feel like they’re being too needy or too demanding, whatever. And what they need is some messages saying, I still love you. I still love you.
[01:06:59] My wife says to me, you do so much for me. I feel like I don’t deserve it. I say, yes you do Yes, you do. I love you. This is the dynamic where they need to feel that they’re not being seen as crazy, or demanding, or negative. So they need caring, they need understanding, and they also need respect.
[01:07:21] And this is where my teaching varies from everything in the books. Nobody has ever pointed this out, but what’s the word respect means I have my interpretation. Again, you have translation of language, but this word respect, I hear it over and over where men think, I want respect. You’re not respecting me.
[01:07:42] Actually, what men really need is appreciation. When somebody respects you, that means they do things for you. I’m going to do things for you. I have a baby who’s crying in the night. I’m going to get up, and I’m going to take care of that baby because I respect the needs of that baby.
[01:07:59] If I’m driving in a way that makes my wife feel unsafe, I’m going to respect her comfort needs and adjust how I drive to make her happy. But at the same time, I don’t want to feel like I’m a slave, or a wimp, or just pleasing her. I have to realize she’s sitting to the right of me in the car. If she doesn’t feel comfortable, even though I’m comfortable, I need to respect her.
[01:08:23] So here’s a little practical example of respecting a woman as the best foreplay in the world. I drive fast sometimes. If we’re in a hurry, she’s happy for me to drive fast. But if we’re not in a hurry, she feels a little stressed. So she could say, you’re driving too fast. That’s not nice to say.
[01:08:42] You should slow down. That’s not nice to say. It’s like you’re the boss of me. Don’t be the boss of me. So how to communicate, slow down. We worked it out. Just grab the handle of the car. She grabbed the handle. I said, oh, I’d be happy to slow down. Then I put my hand on her thigh, and I say, and I did that for you.
[01:09:03] And she says, I know, and I greatly appreciate it. See, that’s where you’re no longer a wimp. You’re trying to please a woman, but only because you’re getting rewarded so much. It’s a good deal. I’m going to make an adjustment, but I’m getting something back. And a lot of times men hear me speaking and think, oh, you’re just supposed to be a wimp and do everything for women. I said, no, you do what you want to do for her, but you want to do more when what you’re getting back is great.
[01:09:28] Dave: So if you’re paid back in distrust or disrespect, you’re not motivated, and then you’re that wimp you’re talking about. But if you do it and it’s reciprocated, then it actually is good for the woman, and it’s good for the man. And that makes–
[01:09:45] John: It’s what a relationship’s all about. It’s finding out what your partner needs, do your best to provide that. And when you’re not getting what you need, don’t be a baby. You’re a grownup. Have a life. My whole message here is, don’t look to your partner to be happy. Look to your partner to be happier.
[01:10:05] It’s not my job to make her happy. That’s her job. It’s my job to take her from happy to happier. Likewise, it’s not her job to make me happy, but how she responds to me will make me happier. It’s not her cooking a meal for me. It’s not her cleaning the house for me. That’s old-fashioned stuff. That’s when men were out in the world and women were at home all day.
[01:10:27] So they did those things as reciprocity. They were giving back to him because he gave so much for her. But when women are out there being independent, men are being independent, what do women need? What they need is a man’s assistance and helping her come back to the female side of her, which is her female hormones.
[01:10:47] And by the way, you wanted more research on this, which is when you look at women, when they’re very depressed, and very suicidal, and very bitchy, and awful, usually, if it happens, it’s the five days before her period. And that’s when she needs the most progesterone.
[01:11:08] But all women who have that problem– they’ve measured this– it’s a condition called PCOS. It’s a condition which is moody, and irritable, and unhappy, and dissatisfied. They look at, what are your hormone imbalances? And at that time, she’s making too much testosterone.
[01:11:28] Dave: Mm-hmm.
[01:11:28] John: The testosterone levels are really high. And testosterone inhibits the production of progesterone. And biologically, if you look at the actual biochemistry of this, in a woman’s body, when she makes testosterone, she uses up her progesterone. So progesterone is a precursor for making testosterone. What produces testosterone goes way up when you’re being challenged by life and you have to protect yourself and you don’t have a man to protect you.
[01:11:58] Your testosterone shoots up. So you can just see how this happens, is when a woman doesn’t feel safe that I can depend on someone, then I have to depend on myself. It’s real simple. I’m on my female side. My husband’s protecting me. My husband’s doing things for me, are giving me something of meaning, which is he’s loving me in a way that says he cares about me.
[01:12:19] He understands me. He doesn’t judge me. He doesn’t make fun of me. He honors my needs, my sensitivities. That honoring needs and sensitivities is respect. Now I need respect, of course, but respect is not my major need. My major need is testosterone. Once my testosterone is fine, yeah, respect me all you want. That’s great. That’s just extra on top. So humans need all those forms of love, but for hormonal balance, we need to lean in one direction or the other.
[01:12:49] Dave: I have a couple of questions about estrogen for you. One’s an observation. One’s a question. Your talk about how not being trusted or appreciated suppresses testosterone in men, which suppresses dopamine, and happiness, and all. This is why coming after a guy’s reputation is such a sneak attack, and it does lead to disruption.
[01:13:12] I’m actually realizing Joe Rogan dropped my testosterone because there was a time, which is like 10 years ago or something, where he had a financial interest in a competitor to Bulletproof, and all of a sudden it went from Dave Asprey changed everything for me to he’s a liar and a con artist.
[01:13:28] So all of a sudden, I felt untrusted by my community because a bunch of trolls came to my website. That’s why trolling is so bad for people in general. And so it was really dysregulating, and I didn’t understand it was about the testosterone dopamine axis. Because the reality was every time Joe said Dave’s a bad man, or whatever the insult of the day was, it actually meant I was selling more coffee.
[01:13:48] It didn’t matter what he said. It was actually good for business. But I couldn’t see that because I was so rocked by it. And that’s water under the bridge. I’m grateful for the experience because it did grow resilience for me. But when a person comes after someone’s reputation the way they do when someone says something that’s not in the current narrative, they come after your reputation. It’s a big, structured thing they do in big media.
[01:14:12] And you’ll see there’s a very standard way of taking down someone to make everyone think they’re not trustworthy, which then dysregulates their stuff. What’s the defense against that? Is that the time to start injecting testosterone? Is that the time to meditate? What do you do if there’s an unwarranted attack on your reputation that makes you feel like you’re not trusted, which has a hormonal effect?
[01:14:32] John: Huge, huge. See, we’re relational beings. How we interpret reality around us dramatically affects our hormone system and dysregulates us. So I’m no stranger to what you just talked about. I was canceled in the year 2000. At the end of 2000, all the papers were saying Men Are From Mars was the biggest selling book of all books– all books, self-help, everything. It was considered one of the top 10 most influential books for the whole quarter century.
[01:15:07] So I was getting huge publicity. I never received a positive print interview. On video, I show myself. How can you be critical of me? And usually, the medium of TV interviews, they want you to look good. We’re having a fun, friendly thing. This is such family-friendly ideas. It’s all positive.
[01:15:28] But the writers, they’re all jealous of me because I’m this big seller, and they’re writers, and they’re getting nothing. So they’re just looking at me, and they’re just furious, jealous. Why is he getting all these books sold? So they always have that edge because I’m a writer. They’re writers. And so they took it out on me. So that was devastating to me.
[01:15:50] And so that was one of the hardest things. And particularly, I did the biggest theater on Broadway, the most successful show in history monetarily and got terrible reviews, but it’s sold out every night. And they were upset because I didn’t even have a stage set. I’m enough. I come out. I’m enough. I’m doing my thing. I was critical of that.
[01:16:12] A little play on this one, but at one point, I would bring people up and work with them on the stage for fun. And one guy was a vaudeville comedian, and he was so funny. I just let him talk for a while. He was funnier than me. Because part of my thing is humor as well. And his wife said, Samuel, get off the stage. And the whole audience booed her because– I liked him. Everybody’s liked him. It’s fun.
[01:16:39] And so the New York Times, USA Today, they said, oh, Gray gave his talk, and the people booed. Now see, you have to realize, I have already toughened up. This is eight years of massive success and lots of criticism, but still, I’m the biggest author. But this one got to me because I found out the next day that some parent had given their child that article, and the child brought it to school for my daughter and all the kids made fun of her. Oh, your dad. You think he’s so great. He was booed off the stage that got to me.
[01:17:13] So I’m just giving an example of things really hit you deep. So that triggered a huge drop in testosterone, if you look at it biologically. Estrogen levels off the chart. So how do you get out of that? I can meditate or whatever, but I was just like, couldn’t get beyond it.
[01:17:32] John: And it was a technique that I used all the way through that whole period of my life. When people were critical of me, knock me down, I had to pick myself back up. And two ways to do it– this is my technique– when something really gets you, you’ve got to process your feelings. You’ve got to process your emotions.
[01:17:48] There’s an old saying in China, men don’t cry unless their heart is broken, which symbolizes if it’s a big thing, you need to process your emotions. If it’s a little thing, the normal stuff of life, you just ignore it and go do something to bump up your testosterone. Have your testosterone-building hobbies that you can do, that don’t have to do with talking about feelings.
[01:18:13] And this is more common for men today, who are actually have way too much estrogen. Things will trigger them. They’ll get all upset. If you are all upset, two steps. One, first go out and do something to bump your testosterone up as much as possible. If you exercise, use your muscles.
[01:18:31] That’s a really key factor, is using your muscles, solving problems. Whatever your skill is, go and do it. Put your feelings to the side. But then come back to those feelings because they didn’t go away. That means you have to process them. And this is what I believe about men versus women.
[01:18:51] Whenever men are hugely triggered, it’s activating your childhood. Now, in psychology, we think everything is activating your childhood, and it is to some extent. Women can be activated from yesterday. They’re estrogen beings. They have emotion all the time. They’re pushing it down, pushing it down. So they can be upset about stuff, and it’s just today.
[01:19:13] But for us, if something hits you big, it’s because it triggered something deep from your childhood. So whether it be something about today or something from your childhood, the process is the same. This is what I did. I’ve done a thousand of these during the ’90s when I was being attacked all the time.
[01:19:29] Rarely do I need to do it now, but I sit down at the piece of paper and I write out what I’m feeling. I write out, I’m angry. What I want. I’m right out what I’m disappointed or sad about or hurt by. What I want. I go into what I’m afraid of. And they’re all irrational. So I’m afraid no one will like me again.
[01:19:48] I’m afraid I’m over the hill. I’m afraid I’m a liar. I’m afraid I’m a fraud. I’m afraid they’re right about me. Whatever. See, I don’t believe any of those things, but if you’ve got negative emotions, it’s because they’re irrational. So a rational guy like you has to say, temporarily, I’m going to exaggerate the irrational aspect of these strong feelings I’m having.
[01:20:06] And you write out anger, sadness, fear, and then regret. Each time, what I want, what I want, what I want. The most powerful thing to feel good is to be in touch with what I want. Anybody who’s depressed has stopped wanting. Anybody who’s afraid is, I don’t want, I don’t want.
[01:20:26] But every negative emotion is an I don’t want. So you write out the negative emotion, and then what I want. Write out the sadness and what I want, write out the fear and what I want, right out the guilt, shame, regret, whatever, and what I want. And go into what I want.
[01:20:39] That’s the first step. Then change the subject and imagine having what you want. You go into, okay, I’m just going to focus on what I want to happen and imagine it happening. And when I imagine what is happening, I’ll feel better. All negativity is just imagining the worst that hasn’t happened.
[01:21:01] And I’m going to imagine the best. What I want is people to think I’m wonderful. And I just go back and remember times when people said, you’re wonderful. Now what I do is– I’ve got millions of videos online, of views, millions, billions, whatever. I just go and watch some of my videos.
[01:21:20] My favorite one is my Ted Talk with just 20 minutes, and I just look at everybody’s responses. You just go talk to some people. Love you, Dave. Call me up. And I was just saying, look, you changed my whole life. Biohacking is everything. It’s amazing. And talk to somebody else.
[01:21:33] So you’ve already had that experience. So after I’ve gone through the negative, focus on what I want, then I imagine having what I want, which is people thinking I’m great, people thinking I’m wonderful, people thinking that I made a difference in their life. That’s what I want, is I’m successful. Once I’ve imagined that, then I come back to, how does that make me feel?
[01:21:52] Well, I’m grateful. I’m happy. I feel love. I love my wife. I love my children. I love my life, and whatever. And I’m proud of myself. So four positive emotions to go against those four negative emotions. Now, Dave, you’re super famous, so when something cracks your emotions, because you’re a very grounded man, it’s really about the childhood.
[01:22:12] So what you do is you go through the feelings of, it’s all over. I’m not good enough. I should be better. I won’t be successful. I’m being mistreated. I’m not being seen. How cruel. Okay. Then you listen to that, and you go, gee, how did I feel like that as a little child but I didn’t realize it, and I didn’t realize it?
[01:22:31] So now you just go back and remember one incident. And just give yourself the realization that what I’m feeling now is what I was feeling then and didn’t know it. So then you write out your anger, sad, afraid, and guilty as a kid, as if you’re writing to one of your parents, and saying what you want, what you want, what do you want.
[01:22:49] Then write out the response you want to hear from the parent. And that’s called reparenting. And then you give yourself that response. And then you say, how does that make me feel? I feel great. I feel wonderful. I feel safe. I feel good enough. I feel like I can make my dreams come true. So what I’ve done is changed how I feel by adjusting my hormones.
[01:23:09] When the parent is reparenting you, they’re giving you messages. I appreciate you. I accept you. I believe in you. I’m there for you. You’re a great kid. But the key, again, every one of these stages, people have to listen to this again and again, these are significant stages.
[01:23:25] What I’m feeling now, how it relates to my past, imagine being then. Write out the four negative emotions, imagine the parent saying, I understand why you’re angry. I understand why you’re sad or disappointed. I understand you’re afraid about this. I understand. You have to be understood.
[01:23:39] The female side of us needs to feel somebody cares, somebody understands what we’re going through. We’re not saying you shouldn’t feel that way, but understands how we feel and then respects us by saying, it’s my fault. I’m so sorry. I made a mistake. I’m going to change. I’m going to give you what you want.
[01:23:56] Imagine a perfect parent, which no parent is, of course, giving you what you need. And then asking yourself, if I got what I need, which I’ve just imagined, how would that make me feel? And then you would feel who you truly are. You would feel secure. You’d feel safe. You’d feel forgiving. You’d feel accepting of yourself. A whole bunch of feelings come up that you would have felt as a child if your parent had been able to be there for you at that time.
[01:24:22] Dave: Right. It’s funny. That idea of reexperiencing a pain and then experiencing the positive thing, that’s at the core of the reset process we do at 40 Years of Zen at my neuroscience clinic, but with amplifications from tech. And Gabby Bernstein’s been on the show. She’s a friend. I think also a friend of yours, most likely. You know Gabby, right?
[01:24:41] She did a lot of IFS and reparenting stuff, and it’s a potent thing. I thought you were going to say, the testosterone way, you imagine all the things that are wrong, and then what would raise your testosterone? And I like to have a wood chipper, and I just imagine feeding the bad people into the wood chipper, and my testosterone goes up.
[01:25:01] John: Ah, great. Get a gun, and just shoot it at a target. Your testosterone will go up. But see, that was my first step.
[01:25:07] Dave: I don’t really–
[01:25:07] John: Do the testosterone things, and if that negative stuff is still there, then you know it’s your past. It’s not right now. Because all we have to do as men is go solve a problem and feel confident. The estrogen comes back down, the testosterone goes up, and you’re in balance.
[01:25:26] Dave: Here’s another question, and this is an advanced biohacking question, and you might be one of the few people who’d know an answer to this or a potential answer. We have a problem where testosterone’s lower everywhere in men and women because of pollution, and we have more estrogen in men because of societal changes and all that.
[01:25:43] There are drugs called selective estrogen receptor degraders or SERDs like Faslodex, and you take it. It blocks the effect of estrogen on receptors, and it degrades the receptors so that they don’t like estrogen as much. Thoughts on maybe taking that stuff so that you’re just a little bit more able to handle the world we live in today?
[01:26:02] I’m not familiar with that, but does it actually destroy the receptor site, or does it–
[01:26:08] Dave: It degrades the receptors. It doesn’t destroy them fully, but they just don’t work as well.
[01:26:12] John: Okay. My first reaction is there are men who make no estrogen, and they’re sociopaths and psychopaths.
[01:26:20] Dave: Yeah. They run for office, right? I got you on that.
[01:26:22] John: That’s right. They’re all politicians. Anybody who cannot care what–
[01:26:25] Dave: A few are bankers or World Economic Forum, but we know all that.
[01:26:29] John: We know all that. So these are psychopaths, sociopaths. So they don’t care what other people think. They just care about what they think. And what’s interesting, and I’ll give an example of this, when I first became aware of this, when I saw the movie Terminator, and I got in my car afterwards, it was like suddenly I was revving my engine to race out of this place, and I noticed the whole parking lot garage, all the guys were revving their engines.
[01:26:56] I don’t see that. So why did I suddenly feel this strong power? And I noticed I feel so powerful. What I felt powerful is the whole movie I was identifying with a robot because the action figure men will typically identify with the action figure. The action figure has no emotions.
[01:27:14] Dave: You will be terminated. Okay.
[01:27:16] John: Exactly. So if I have no emotions, I will be the most powerful person in the world because my emotions say, I care about you. I don’t want to hurt your feelings. I don’t want to mislead people. I want to be kind. I want to be fair. This is our feeling self. This is our conscience. This is our connection to the divine.
[01:27:36] This is our female side. We came out of our mothers, through the heavens. It’s our female side that we connect with the divine. It’s just that if we have too much female side, our testosterone is weak. And we don’t do anything with that. And think about a guy who’s testosterone is weak. He feels, I’m not confident to achieve my goals. I’m not going to do it.
[01:27:56] And so what does he then do? He goes over and eats a lot, or he wants to have fun. And in the old days, it was called a playboy. If you never earned your way into the world and you’ve got a lot of money from your parents, so you don’t have confidence that I can do it myself, the testosterone is low. And typically, they would become playboys.
[01:28:14] Not every man who has wealthy parents is a playboy, but that’s typically it. You’re a drug addict. You’re a playboy. You want to do fun things. You just want to do enjoyment. You just want pleasure as opposed to getting pleasure from doing things that are of service to others.
[01:28:29] So the male way to happiness is you do things not to be happy. You do things to be of service, to be productive, to solve problems. And happiness comes from behind. It’s literally an experience of the soul that is always behind us watching. And that joy comes because you’re in your role as a man, solving problems.
[01:28:49] It just comes upon you. Just like when I’m doing my exercises this morning, when I always go the extra bit where it’s a little harder, you feel so good. It comes in because you applied yourself to do what you can do. When men don’t do that, then I don’t feel confident, so I’m not going to do that. Then we go over to our female side and do what we like to do, do what we enjoy doing, do what’s pleasurable, do what stimulates us, do what gives us a big dopamine rush.
[01:29:17] So anyway, my warning there is can make you a psychopath if you have no estrogen as a man. And I think that when men have too much estrogen, at least my experience, they talk too much about their feelings. They give too much validity to their emotions, and their feelings, and they share too much.
[01:29:35] They talk too much. See, I talk a lot, but everything I’m talking about is solving problems, is I know what the problems are out there. Every word is, is this how it’s going to be heard? I want to make sure it’s going to help people, not hurt people. This is very testosterone of a male needs to work.
[01:29:55] Again, here’s more research. When you look at the insurance actuaries, they know that when a man retires, he has two to three years before he has a heart attack. Now, why does he have a heart attack? What happens? They also know when a man retires, his testosterone levels go down. And this is something you don’t see anywhere.
[01:30:16] But the bottom line is that when men retire, they’re way more vulnerable to having a heart attack. And the heart attack, you can associate it with oxidized cholesterol. It’s not cholesterol, but it’s oxidized cholesterol. Could be one of the conditions, but why is it oxidized? Because you’re in a state of stress.
[01:30:34] When men are not producing, when their testosterone goes down, they’re in a state of stress. Even if they’re sitting there watching TV and doing nothing, their body is in a state of stress. It seems somewhat relaxing. And again, it is relaxing. Again, paradox is all over the place.
[01:30:50] I’ll be doing three clients a day in this show. I work hard. I put a lot of energy out. Now I can go and watch TV, and I’m relaxing. That could be cave time. I’m relaxing. And by relaxing, I’m rebuilding my testosterone to go out and fight another battle. But if that day I didn’t fight another battle, if I didn’t do anything and I just sit in front of the TV set, it’s going to cause stress inside of me because I’m not doing what I’m here to do.
[01:31:16] I’m procrastinating being a man. I’m putting it off. And everybody knows when you really want to do something, you procrastinate. It’s a major source of stress because you’re not following through on what you said you’re going to do.
[01:31:29] Dave: I love that. It makes so much sense. So masturbation in men versus masturbation in women. What does it do to men?
[01:31:38] John: Okay, so you get a huge dose of dopamine, estrogen surge, and a bigger surge of testosterone. Ironically, research shows that a man to have an erection has to have a surge of estrogen, but he also has to have a lot of testosterone. If you have no testosterone and you’re with a woman, you get a surge of estrogen, but you don’t get turned on.
[01:32:00] That’s why married men over time don’t get turned on to their wives. And this is very common, is he has so much estrogen because he loves her. He depends on her for the extra support she gives him. And that’s important. You should depend on that. But you should be getting enough messages that say, you’re the guy. You’re providing, and protecting, and providing a support that she needs. You’re feeling appreciated. You do something. And you get appreciated.
[01:32:25] So if your testosterone is low and you love someone, your estrogen will go up, and you won’t be able to get an erection. If you have testosterone go really high and you have no estrogen, you won’t get erections either.
[01:32:39] This is your sociopaths and psychopaths. They can’t get erections through love. I don’t want to analyze that right now, but the bottom line here is that we do need female energy to raise our testosterone even higher. And so we have to have some of the estrogen to get turned on.
[01:32:58] So the thing that happens when you go online and do pornography and do masturbation, if you’re masturbating to 64,000 people that want you, women that want you, undressing in front of you, your subconscious mind thinks you’re the alpha male of the universe.
[01:33:15] If you are a monkey tribe– this is interesting– if you’re a beta monkey, but the alpha dies, he’s the one that all the females want to have sex with the most. He’s alpha because his testosterone levels, if measured, will be double all of the betas. He has double the testosterone.
[01:33:31] And then when he dies, the monkeys will fight amongst themselves, and one will become the top. In one day, his testosterone doubles just because of his status in the hierarchy And once his testosterone doubles, what goes along with that is all the females want to have sex with him.
[01:33:49] So when you get this illusion that females want to have sex with you, you feel you’ve earned it, that you’re the alpha. And so automatically, your testosterone levels double. And they go up, and then they crash back down as with everything. When you overstimulate, receptor sites close down. And biologically, the porn sites will all say, oh, masturbation doesn’t lower your testosterone.
[01:34:12] Oh, let’s look at one long-term study, which is the fact that every year men’s testosterone levels go down 1%. And you can’t even find men that don’t do porn and masturbate. They can’t even do studies on students, young men who aren’t doing porn. It’s just very rare. So what we know is, after sex, your testosterone does go down to baseline.
[01:34:35] But over time, masturbating or having sex all the time, your testosterone levels will start going down, down, down. Because after sex, what you have is a drop in testosterone as well. You have sex. That’s when you want to pull away. You want to go to your cave, so to speak. You withdraw a bit. This disconnection is going to help restore balance and raise your testosterone.
[01:34:59] And that’s called the recovery period. When you masturbate, what happens is there’s a natural urge in young men. Your testosterone is up. You’re getting erections. I’m talking to the young guys. When you do this, you’re training your body to ejaculate. If you do this, this is just an upward stroke on the top of your penis. You’re training your penis. You’ll feel pleasure, but you don’t need to ejaculate.
[01:35:24] Dave: On the top.
[01:35:25] John: Yeah, on the top. It’s the top of the penis going up. There’s less sensation there. So you’re training yourself to be aroused without needing to be too aroused. Too aroused basically means your estrogen levels have shot up too high. Remember, pleasure is estrogen.
[01:35:45] When you’re doing anything that’s pleasurable, you’re making estrogen. Anything you love to do is making estrogen. So estrogen levels are rising, and when they go so high and your testosterone isn’t matching it, now you’re mainly estrogen dominant. Your body basically ejaculates.
[01:36:01] You’re out of balance. Tension builds up, and the intensity builds up, and you release. The whole idea of learning to make love without ejaculating is making sure that the intensity doesn’t go too high. It just gets higher and higher and higher, and your body adjusts to it over time. It adjusts, and it adjusts.
[01:36:22] The research on 25-year-old men, when they had sex with their wives and stained from sex for six days, on the seventh day, when they wake up, their testosterone levels increased by 50% or more. So this increase from not yet having sex.
[01:36:40] Dave: Abstain from sex or from ejaculation.
[01:36:44] John: Well, their study was abstaining from sex, but basically for most people, that meant not ejaculation. So they didn’t ejaculate. If on Tuesday they had sex and they ejaculated, and on Saturday they had sex and they ejaculated, when Saturday comes around next week, they don’t have 50% more testosterone.
[01:37:02] And if every week you have sex twice a week, and so you’re never starting out with that 50% higher, women are going to not be as thrilled by you because when your testosterone goes higher, it raises their estrogen. And there’s research to show that as well. We put out pheromones that raise women’s estrogen, and when women’s estrogen goes higher, it puts out pheromones that raise a man’s testosterone.
[01:37:26] We’re very reciprocal in that case. I want to suggest to couples who are not having sex, the reason you’re not having sex, you’re not feeling the desire. Now, first of all– well, there’s so many reasons for these things. But what happens in sex is the newness of a relationship. You don’t have to have good relationship skills to feel sexual attraction.
[01:37:46] You just need high dopamine. High dopamine, the newness, the danger, the challenge, all that, or if you do sex, which is you wouldn’t want your mother to find out about it’s dangerous to reveal it, any of those things produce high dopamine. High dopamine in a male raises testosterone. High dopamine in a woman raises her estrogen, so it amplifies our sexual attraction.
[01:38:08] But when newness goes out of the relationship, you don’t get free testosterone if you’re a man. You don’t get free estrogen if you’re a woman. And it’s the testosterone and estrogen that actually is what’s creating the attraction. Because think of a male as the positive pole of a magnet and the female as the negative pole of a magnet. She’s receptive. Now she’s not a negative person, but she’s got the vagina. He’s got the penis. Positive, negative.
[01:38:32] Now, if you have a positive pole and a negative pole, you don’t notice much when the magnets are not so close, but when you get naked and get close, suddenly, if you have those magnets, they’ll click. The fire gets turned on. That’s what you can have for a lifetime.
[01:38:47] Because you can’t have dopamine for a lifetime with your partner, familiarity sets in, serotonin in, comfort and ease set in. You want that comfort and ease, but when you get naked in bed, now you’re going with that to happen. It will always happen if you have polarity of masculine and feminine. I have to be more masculine than her. She has to be more feminine than me.
[01:39:11] And that’s the polarity of estrogen goes higher, my testosterone goes higher. We will always have that click. It won’t be like it was in the beginning, which is like a drug trip, just the newness where you touch one finger and you’ll click. But as a couple, and this is my favorite technique, in bed, be more feminine than the man.
[01:39:33] What is more feminine? It’s more emotional. Where do emotions come from? Insecurity. You can’t be angry if you’re not insecure, you can’t be sad if you’re not– it’s all insecurity inside. It’s needing something. So what do all women need? They need reassurance. The relationships are about needing reassurance for the woman. That I care. That I hear you. I still love you. I respect you. You’re the one for me.
[01:39:56] That’s why monogamy can be so good for women. It’s just helping to open them up. And good for a man because you’re keeping your promise. But on the female side, here’s the technique, Dave, for the woman to say when you’re in the bedroom and you’re getting naked, to just feel her vulnerability, and at some point, say, do you love me? And the man says, yes, I love you. Now, this is a process as opposed to, of course, I love you.
[01:40:18] No, you’re doing a process to say the words that all women want to hear. Do you love me? I love you. How much do you love me? I love you with all my heart. Am I the one for you? Yes, you’re the only one for me. Are you sure you want to be with me? Yes, I always want to be with you.
[01:40:34] The more things she can bring out and you’re the answer to it, now you’re penetrating her on emotional level at a deep level. This is called the reassurance exercise. It will amp up her estrogen because women all want to get reassured. You’re still attracted to me. I’m still beautiful. I’m still the one for me. I’m the only one for me. You’re not mad at me? You still love me? You forgive me from yesterday? See, they’re looking for that reassurance.
[01:40:57] Dave: Hmm. And the woman has to ask first? Even if she doesn’t feel like she needs reassurance, she just asks anyway, which sets up this cycle.
[01:41:05] John: I convince women that they need it. In five minutes, it’s hard to convince them. How many women want to look in the mirror and say, you’re beautiful? They all want to hear you’re beautiful. In my classes, I say, how many women want to hear every day messages that you’re beautiful? That you’re likable. I enjoy being with you. I’m happy to be married to you. I like to be married to you.
[01:41:26] Everybody loves those kinds of things, but it’s our female side that wants to hear that. I want to hear that I’m great, wonderful, but that’s my female side. So in sex, you want to amplify the feminine and amplify the masculine, which is I’m here to provide the words that you need to hear.
[01:41:41] And to a certain extent, I’ll say this, even if she has to fake it a little bit to get it going, and he has to fake it a little bit to say, I love you, once a man expresses something into words, you create from expression. It’s like planting your flag. Yes, I love you. Yes, I’m not mad at you. Yes, I’m happy to be married to you.
[01:41:59] Every time you have sex, you’re saying, I’m so happy to be married to you. So what’s happening is your brain is going to say, this is what I said, and I’m going to gather evidence to prove that I’m right because, once we get it out of our mouth, we want to be right about it.
[01:42:12] So the whole tendency is to build testosterone by putting it out there and her going, yes, I need to hear it. Say it again. Are you happy to be with me? Are you glad we fell in love? Are you glad we got married? Every woman wants that reassurance deep inside. And so by speaking it out, the question, it will help her find the truth, just as for men to give the answer, it will help him find that part of him that owns that answer.
[01:42:36] Dave: And to be clear– we’ve talked about this on and off line before– it’s not that the guy just says it. It’s that he only says it if she asks for it first.
[01:42:44] John: Yes, yes. This is women having to be on their male and female side, not just waiting. All women are waiting for you to say all the right words. No, show that you need it. He doesn’t know you need to hear all that stuff. So you reveal it. You’re looking for reassurance. It is such a powerful concept.
[01:43:02] Dave: Beautiful. John, thanks for your work. Thanks for being on the show. And guys, if you haven’t read any of John’s books, you’re missing out. This is some of the most distilled knowledge, and I’ve said it before, the reason I invite John to speak at my events.
[01:43:21] John: What was that? Got some great classes free. Some of them you pay for.
[01:43:26] Dave: Oh, where are they?
[01:43:27] John: At marsvenus.com, marsvenus.com. People can check that out.
[01:43:31] Dave: All right, guys. Check it out. Thanks, John.
[01:43:35] John: You’re welcome.