EPISODE #973

How to Drop Happily Ever After and Do Relationships Better

John Kim, LMFT

Put in the work to really know, save and complete yourself so you can love fully in the present—no perfection necessary.

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In this Episode of The Human Upgrade™...

… you’ll learn how to recognize your own sh*t and be a better partner in relationships.

Want a sustainable partnership? Communicate and apologize; fight without fighting; identify codependent behavior (your own); and manage jealousy (also your own).

This conversation gets into how you can let go of unrealistic ideals of how you think love and relationships should be and live fully in the present. You’ll also get tips on how to be emotionally responsible to people you love every day.

Guest John Kim, a licensed marriage and family therapist, as well as a life coach, cracks his life into two big pieces… split on either side of what he calls “the great divide” of his own divorce several years ago. He did the whole “get a tattoo and a Harley” thing to find his way.

He also combined what he learned in therapy school with life coaching and technology to be mobile and create online communities. He became known as an unconventional therapist, seeing clients at coffee shops, on hikes, or in a CrossFit box.

“Therapy is more like from suffering to baseline, a lot of processing,” he explains. “You are being treated for something, whether it’s depression or personality disorder. And then coaching is more about from baseline to thriving, accountability, homework, pushing the needle forward. So, it’s more present-focused and more goal-oriented. Therapy can be ongoing forever.”

“I don't really like the word self-love. I like self-like. Love is a choice—and we love people that we don't really like—but like is earned.”

John Kim, LMFT, "The Angry Therapist"

He’s built a devoted following of fans who love the frank and authentic insights that he—as “The Angry Therapist”—freely shares on social media. TikTok’s his jam, with over 450K people tuning in for his “shot glass” bits of life wisdom.

In his newest book, written with his romantic partner and fellow therapist Vanessa Bennett,  John takes a different (honest, humorous, raw) approach by dissecting his own relationship dynamic to bring clarity to yours.

“The truth is that relationships are hard,” John says. “They’re supposed to be. That’s how we learn, grow, and evolve.”

Each part of “IT’S NOT ME, IT’S YOU: Break the Blame Cycle, Relationship Better” gives you questions to ask yourself and practices to do. It’s a book that pushes you into doing and putting your newfound knowledge to IRL use.

Here’s a sneak peek at a few of the Love Lessons (In a Shot Glass) you’ll find in “It’s Not Me, It’s You.”

  • Love is not a battlefield. Your head is.
  • If someone is unsure about you, it’s never worth the investment.
  • Hold love, don’t grab it.
  • Don’t stop believing (be Journey).
  • Love is what teaches us how to live.

If you like John’s style, check out his other books, like: “Single On Purpose: Redefine Everything. Find Yourself First”, “I Used to Be a Miserable F*ck: An Everyman’s Guide to a Meaningful Life” and “The Angry Therapist: A No BS Guide to Finding and Living Your Own Truth”

Enjoy the show!

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  • I’ve written many books, this is my first one. And I co-authored it with my partner who is also a therapist.  – 6:03
  • What’s the difference between a life coach and a therapist?  – 10:59

  • People are skipping the work, meaning holding up a mirror, looking at your own shit. They’re skipping all that because this other stuff is fun and sexy,  – 19:54

  • Spark doesn’t happen naturally because of chemistry. It is something that requires work. It’s part of it. It’s part of building a relationship, is fanning the flames. – 25:02

  • I don’t really like the word self-love. I like self-life.  – 30:53

  • One of the things I loved about your newest book is, you talk about happily ever after is bullshit.  – 36:48

  • That’s sticky. That is codependency. And if someone goes down, you should give them your hand but not your life. They should not take you as hostage.  – 41:41

  • Let’s talk about communication. You have a part in your book where it says, “That’s not what I’m saying.”  – 50:09

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